Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and we have the perfect gift for your sweetie (s).

Handmade raunchy Valentine’s Day Cards!

They are $2 only (just like the chips) and will get you way more than $2 in bootie!

The chips are full of processed crap. Our cards are full of love.

Just in case you are a visual or auditory learner, we’ll include this video reminder:

No, seriously…buy some cards.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet provided for review by Tabu Toys

Mimi

The Xtreme Pack Mimi G-spot Bullet is a brightly coloured green and purple with flashing red lights, a toy reminiscent of a handheld video game system, minus the PEW-PEW shooting noise. It really does seem like a toy.

But the Xtreme Pack means business. The 2.25″ x 1″ bullet vibrator plugs into a plastic and rubber controller with buttons to increase intensity, change the setting, or turn it off. As you increase the intensity, red lights appear or disappear in a crescent across the controller. The controller is pretty easy and straight-forward. You can handily rest it on your chest while masturbating, changing the settings periodically with ease. The bullet itself is designed with a curve at the end to stimulate the g-spot, but it also works well for stimulating the clit. It takes two AA batteries, which are not included.

I didn’t really enjoy it inside me, regardless of the setting or intensity. It just felt like my pelvis was vibrating and I really didn’t feel like it was assisting me in any way. Most of its use has been external, against my clit. I varied my use between the tip and the wider backside of the bullet. If you’ve never used a bullet vibrator before, you should know that as you are holding the bullet, you can feel all of the vibration in your fingers. As you make the bullet vibrate more intensely, the sensation may become distracting in your fingers. Some women experience this, some women don’t or they get used to it. At first it irritated me (as it does with every new bullet I try), but eventually I got used to it.

Although I did not reach orgasm on even the highest setting, I do believe that if I were not on medication at this time, it would have been more likely to happen. Or if I wasn’t so stressed out. In other words, if your body is not giving you the silent treatment like mine is, you’d probably get more out of the Xtreme Pack. Due to the fact that this vibrator takes AA batteries, its intensity and power can only reach so high. It does not compare to a plug-in or a rechargeable vibrator. So even though it calls itself “Xtreme”, it’s really not. The Xtreme Pack is kind of in a grey area for me, a middle ground where I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either and it therefore becomes best explained with a shrug.

What you can’t see is that those lights blink like an epileptic nightmare.

Joseph

I have no problem with the concept or actual use of this product. A G-spot bullet on a long cord attached to a very easy to use control panel. It has 5 speed and 7 settings. That’s cool. It is pretty powerful for what it is and the materials are not great but they are not awful.  There is not really anything inherently wrong with this product. However….

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE COLOR CHOICES AND THE NAME? Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet? Seriously? What makes it xtreme (extreme even) and why is it neon green and purple. Is the target market 12 year old boys?

The confounding color choices, the name, and the fact that the package claims that this product has a “soft rubber cote” leads me to believe that  the marketing people were drunk when they approved this one. Or maybe they had been watching too many Mountain Dew commercials…

Hey Joseph, what’s a cote?

That’s a very good question. I’ll tell ya what a cote is. A small shelter for domestic animals (as sheep or pigeons). Yep. Don’t believe me? Look.

I could understand this screw up if the producer was a Japanese sex toy company. They have a notioursly hard time translating. Guess who the manufacturer is. Freaking Cal Exotics. From California.

I’ll wrap this post up with a call to action.

Why not write Cal Exotics and ask them how they managed to cover your sex toy with a soft rubber shelter for domestic animals?

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics:

Intensity:  4 out of 5 stars

Volume:

Ease of Cleaning: 4 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 3.5 out of 5 stars

So EXTREME they had to remove the first E from Mimi & Joseph on Vimeo.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

To entice you further, we’ve made this commercial with our total lack of technical skills and budget (note Monopoly money and Joseph wearing one of my coats).* Watch and enjoy!

Now, don’t you want to give your lover or friend a card that’s sure to make them smile, blush or undress? Or all of the above? Yes? Damn right YES. Even if you hate Valentine’s Day, we’ve got cards for you. ‘Cause we hate it, too! Hooray!

If nothing else, help a brother out. We obviously need it. I didn’t even have to make Joseph do that. He changed his name to Joseph McSkeezball and he’s been harassing people in parking lots…. it’s a shame, really… it’s only a matter of time before he cuts his pants into shorts and forgets to zip up his fly and loses any concept of personal space. And you know what that means. Unwanted dick exposure. I mean, I want it, but does everyone? I don’t know. Surely the po-po’s don’t. Your grandmom probably wouldn’t like it either. Let’s keep him off the streets and out of jail.

Joking aside, check it out and in the very least let us know what you think. This is our first run and we’ve put it all together on our own, so some advice or constructive criticism would be appreciated. Of course, compliments are best received in the form of cash. Just sayin’.

* A good friend helped us out with the filming and we appreciate it immensely. It would have sucked a whole lot if she were any less cool. She gets a free Scat! card. Whooooo.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Moregasm provided for review by Babeland

Although I’ve been a visitor to the Babeland website for years and have seen pictures of their stores, I’ve never actually been to one. I suspect reading their new book Moregasm is much like walking through the Babeland door, looking around, and having helpful employees answer all of your questions. In terms of design and photography, Moregasm follows an aesthetic that is hip, fun, colourful, and easy to read. It’s 800 times less embarrassing than sneaking a peak at your mom’s copy of some such sex guide made in the 60’s with two skinny, monster bushy lookin’ people “making love” on the cover. It’s also much safer than trusting some random sex blogger on the internet. (Ha!)

Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning, the founders of Babeland, enlisted the help of Jessica Vitkus (writer), Sarah Small (photographer), and Headcase Design (duh) to bring Moregasm together. All involved deserve a big pat on the back. Not only is the book very informative – even for bold sexual adventurers who have a big cowboy belt buckle proclaiming, “been there, fucked that” – it also navigates the sticky terrain of not being too heavily biased toward Babeland products really well. They do an excellent job of presenting information in an exciting, yet easy to understand and comforting way. I wish this book had been there for me as a pre-teen. I probably would have still made some bad decisions, but I’d have this snazzy sex book to show off to my girlfriends!

Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh

As you may be able to tell from the pictures and my tone, it is precisely the youthful “hip-ness” of this book that may make older people feel silly or out of place when reading it. I’m not saying they wouldn’t find any of its information useful. My grandmother revealed to me a few months ago that until then my grandfather had never removed her bra. It’s a small example, but you get my point. I would urge any older man or woman reading this book to try seeing it as a new adventure, and not their sad attempt at being young and cool. (Please don’t torture yourself like that. If you don’t believe me because I’m too damn young to know any better, head over to Joan Price’s blog. She’s a smart lady.)

The only disappointment was in “The Satisfied Customer: The Lube Guide” section. It gives a brief introduction to lubricants – not mentioning SILICONE lube, by the way – and then offers three examples of Babeland water-based lubricants. In case you didn’t know, there are many, many, many different kinds of lube. Some are better than others, some are more expensive than others. It depends on your needs. When I was open to those two pages, I felt like I was reading a Babeland advertisement, not a guide to lubricant. Why did they not show an extensive variety as they did for other products like vibrators and anal toys? I don’t know. Since they did suggest a wider variety of products later in the book, I don’t see any reason to take huge issue with it. It’s just a little baffling, that’s all.

Lubricant is important, especially if you have problems with self-lubrication (which as Moregasm points out, may or may not be related to your level of desire) or for anal play, so I would suggest doing some research aside from what Moregasm offers in its pages.

Thankfully, several resources are listed in the back of Moregasm, from “BDSM” to “Youth”, so you can look up more information on topics of interest. It’s a nice continuation of the educate-yourself, sex-positive attitude.

I would eat both of those things. Possibly at the same time.

Joseph

Mimi has done an excellent job of covering Moregasm. I will play the part of the downer and add one final note.

Remember that this book is written by a sex product retailer and they sell everything that they promote in the book. Now as Mimi said, Babeland has done a great job of not being too biased in their promotions, but the fact still remains that they have a vested interest in promoting the products they promote.

So look through its hip and easily approachable pages. Take away lots and lots and lots of sex positive information. Say “Hallelujah, Woot, or Hells Fucking Yes” (whichever you prefer) that a business like Babeland exists.

Just be sure to do a little independent research before buying anything. = )

And now…a tap dance!

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: 4 out of 5 stars

Educational Value: 5 out of 5 stars

Quality of Writing: 5 out of 5 stars

Entertainment Value: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 4.5 out of 5 stars

If you’re hungry for more, check out their first book: Sex Toys 101

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The Fleshlight Ice provided for review by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fleshlight Ice is a modern wonder of fake vagina technology. It is by far the best non-animate thing that I’ve ever had the pleasure of sticking my dick in. It is one of the many variations on the original Fleshlight.

If you’re reading this, I assume that you are familiar with what a Fleshlight is. If not, head on over to their website and browse around a bit. I guess if you’re too lazy for that, I’ll explain. To oversimplify, it is a tube made of Superskin (which feels much like super soft silicone) housed inside a hard plastic case.

The Fleshlight Ice is a variation on the original that is clear. The idea there is that you can see your wang move in and out of the sleeve. It is actually kinda cool.

One of the features of the Fleshlight is the variation available for the inside of the sleeve. Again, if you’re interested you can learn more about this on the Fleshlight website. The particular model that we were sent has the “speed bump” interior which has hundreds of soft beads lining the inside of the sleeve.

The Fleshlight arrives powdered and the instructions inform you that you can re-powder it with corn starch to achieve a silky smooth feeling. This is a bit perplexing to me because the instructions also recommend that you soak the sleeve in hot water until it is comfortably warm…which washes off all the powder. That’s just a waste of corn starch.

Without powder, the sleeve is hella sticky. This can be somewhat unpleasant and annoying when taking it out of the case or trying to put it back in. It will stick to the inside of the case and bunch up in an obnoxious manner if you’re not careful. Replacing the sleeve can feel a bit like Operation. Thankfully it does not make that god awful buzzing noise when you mess up.

The stickiness is not really an issue when you are using the Fleshlight though. This is because of that wonderful and indispensible substance known as lube. Seeing as the Fleshlight does not produce its own lubrication, it is necessary to lube yourself or the sleeve before use.

When properly lubed, it feels freaking fantastic. The hard outer case serves to keep the canal of the sleeve nice and tight while in use and there is an adjustable valve at the end that allows you to restrict the airflow which causes various levels of suction. The case is also useful because it allows you to cram the Fleshlight into things for hands free use. They sell furniture with Fleshlight sized holes in them (which I imagine are quite the conversational piece) but I’ve found that stuffing it in between the mattress and box springs works just fine.

The only real problem that I have with the way it feels is that the speed bumps make the sensation so intense that it is over rather quickly. Yup, it makes me come really quickly. I suppose that it could be argued that the whole point of a masturbation sleeve is to make you come but the buildup is a big part of the fun. It is no coincidence that this model is the one that they sell as a stamina builder.

After you’re done building your stamina comes the cleaning. You need to take the sleeve out of the case, wash the come out of it, let it dry and then put it back in the case. Easy, right? No.

The washing out part is pretty simple but the drying is quite the pain in the ass. You have to let it sit for at least a couple of hours and then turn it inside out and repeat. I know, letting something sit is not that hard, but take into consideration that you have to leave this giant translucent slug out in the open for a minimum of four hours. Not very discrete.

Cleaning issues aside, this is hands down the best masturbation sleeve that I’ve encountered. Cleaning issues considered, it only very narrowly passes the almighty Is It Worth It test but it does pass the test.

Lookit them bumps!

Mimi

I know that some people turn masturbation sleeves into a partnered event, but I’m not really inclined to do that. I’m likely to get distracted and start blowing him instead or giggling or thinking about egg salad. (Every now and then I crave… things.) Now that I’ve loosely explained my cognitive and psychological deficiencies, I’m sure it’s unnecessary for me to elaborate extensively on the fact that there isn’t much I can say about the Fleshlight Ice. Since Joseph won’t let me say HUZZAH and be done with it, I will add a few little notes from my perspective:

Fleshlight Ice is pretty classy looking as far as masturbation sleeves go; in fact, I’m the one who wanted it for him and it wasn’t my sadism kicking in, either. Had I not selected it for him and I were to find it drying in the bathroom, I would not be disgusted. Amused, yes. Wondering how often he masturbates, yes. Fingering it, yes. Trying to come up with an appropriate chick name for it, yes. Inclined to throw it at a wall near his head and laugh as it sticks for a moment before sliding down, yes. Disgust or shame does not enter the equation anywhere.

Oh, and you will definitely find it in the bathroom unless there’s a special section in a cabinet that it can dry in. A little Fleshlight Ice loft, so to speak. It takes a while to dry thoroughly and unless you think mildew is sexy, you need to give it enough time. Depending on how often you masturbate… well, you get me. Planning may be involved. If family is coming over for dinner, maybe you should wait for your little rendezvous with the Fleshlight Ice until the coast is clear.

Based on what I’ve read, the Fleshlight Ice is worth every dime because not only does it feel fantastic, it’s also made with quality materials that will last a long time provided that this luxury toy is cared for properly. In sum, it is a pretty swank sex toy.

HUZZAH!

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: 4 out of 5 stars

Ease of Cleaning: 2 out of 5 stars

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Vibratex’s Tumbelina provided for review by Babeland

Joseph

The Thumbelina is what is commonly referred to as a rabbit or dual stimulation vibe. It’s pretty obvious why. They are designed with dual stimulation in mind; Internal (often G-spot) stimulation and external clitoral. The rabbit name comes from the fact that the clitoral tickler resembles the ears of a rabbit. Sometimes it is even in the shape of a rabbit.

This one in particular is made with G-spot stimulation in mind. It has a bulbous head that is motorized to rotate at a variable speed. The clitoral tickler also has a variable speed motor. In theory, this should stimulate the G-spot and the clitoris with minimal work on your part. I don’t know about you, but I am digging the trend in female sex toys to be more and more automated. Several of them require little to no effort. You just plug them in, turn them on, lay back and enjoy. The downside to toys that do all the work for you is that they are not much fun for partnered use. For example, the Thumbelina is designed in such a way that it is not necessary to move it once you find the sweet spot and dial it up. Not really much for a second person to do except enjoy the show. Don’t get me wrong, watching a beautiful woman pleasure herself is nothing to complain about, but there is always something to be said for teamwork. Before you send me an email about it, I know that it is a MASTURBATION toy and so it is fine for it to be catered to solo use. But…we’re a married couple and we’re going to make observations like that. Deal.

Thinner than most of the dual vibes that I’ve seen, the Thumbelina is 3-3/4” x 1-1/4” and made of transparent purple elastomer. That, of course, means that it cannot be sterilized so you must use a condom with it if sharing with someone you are not fluid bonded with. I imagine that could be somewhat tricky due to the bullet that juts out of the side of this thing.

It is powered by 4 AAA batteries and goes WHUANG-WHUANG-WHUANG when it is activated. Not only are its gyrations somewhat comical, but they are LOUD too. And don’t think that having it in your vag will help. Doesn’t muffle the sound at all.

Mimi

I did not like my first experience with a rabbit vibrator (Rockin’ Robin), in fact I hated it, but I decided not long after beginning our review site that I’d keep trying them to see if one could do it for me. The Thumbelina is not the one, if such a rabbit vibrator exists.

Simply, it does not hit my g-spot unless I tilt it in such a way that my clit is neglected and vice versa for my clit. The clit normally wins because it feels better and I’m more likely to orgasm, but even still the vibration lacks enough oomph to push me beyond warm up. And obviously why bother with a toy designed to stimulate my g-spot and my clit to only (sort of) stimulate one of them? To that, I say pshaw.

Although it would be a fantastic luxury to be able to stimulate both with only one toy, it seems like a stretch in my mind. My body has special, specific needs for specific areas, shaped and sometimes inhibited by my own desires. Many women that I know function the same way. It’s one of the reasons why we buy bikinis as separates. Or why buying jeans is NOT an easy task.

The best thing going for the Thumbelina is the vibration and rotation control panel. It’s very easy to maneuver while using the toy. It may be the only stand out thing about it, other than the unnecessarily loud noises it makes. As Joseph mentioned, the toy is loud – loud enough that you should not use it while someone is in the next room unless you have loud music playing. There is some bumpy texture on the surface of the Thumbelina, but it does little to make the toy more appealing.

Basically, I would not recommend the Thumbelina to anyone. Sad, but true.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Volume: 5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 2 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 1 out of 5 stars

Overall: 2 out of 5 stars

The only good thing about this toy is that you can make it rave.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The Fairy Mini Mini provided for review by My Pleasure

Mimi

I’ve been using a Hitachi Magic Wand for a few years now and although I am completely satisfied with it, I recognize that it has weaknesses, for some women more than others. It’s very large. It’s loud. It has a plug-in chord which limits its portability. Oh, and it looks like something your grandmother’s grandmother used to get off. It’s a fucking dinosaur. For Halloween I jokingly suggested to a friend that he dress as the Hitachi and chase his girlfriend around their apartment. Despite my love and devotion to the Hitachi, I know it’s a daunting and sometimes frustrating piece of machinery.

The Fairy Mini Wand is clearly someone’s attempt to improve on the design of the Hitachi. Most of the description on the packaging is Japanese – in fact I was a bit confused as to what exactly is the name of the toy, “Fairy minimini” or just “Fairy”? – but the product is self-explanatory. The Fairy Mini Wand is 7 ¼” x 1 ¼” and comes with two options for power; an AC adapter as well as a battery pack that plugs in to the base of the wand. The battery pack takes six AA batteries and has a long cord to attach to the wand. While the battery pack does effectively make the wand portable, it certainly does not make it discrete. It sounds like a dental drill or a little jet pack made for cats and small dogs. It’s actually louder and more distinct than the Hitachi.

One difference, which I find to be a real bonus, is the dial used to control speed. Much more allowance for specified control. This goes along well with the small diameter of the vibrating end because the user can control the speed and pinpoint the spot that needs attention.
I prefer the broader coverage that the Hitachi offers. I’m not exactly sure why, but my orgasms are always more intense with the Hitachi than the Fairy Mini. And I don’t argue with my orgasms. When you go 21 years without having an orgasm, you welcome them happily. You burn incense and slaughter goats in their honor. If your orgasms need less of a Thor’s hammer approach, then the Fairy Mini Wand might be a perfect balance.

The Fairy Mini Wand that we were sent came with two attachments. One of them is intended to broaden its application and it fits nicely around my clitoris. The only problems I can see with it are that 1.) it looks like a baby alien and 2.) it’s really flexible and when combined with the flexible neck of the Fairy Mini there is not a whole lot of pressure. The second attachment looks like the baby alien’s older brother and it’s pretty useless. The part meant to stimulate my clitoris was a little too short and way too pointy to be appreciated. The part meant to stimulate me vaginally was… boring.

I like the Fairy Mini Wand just fine without its attachments. I can use it during sex easily and in the event that I want (or Joseph wants to) delay clitoral orgasm it works perfectly. And that’s not veiled criticism. Sometimes we really don’t want me to have an orgasm quickly so that there can be a more gradual, torturous build up toward orgasm. Or I need to give my g-spot a lot more attention so that I can squirt.

Basically, if you want to pick one – a Hitachi Magic Wand or a Fairy Mini Wand – it will probably depend more on your individuals needs than on one toy simply being better than another. Both are excellent vibrators.

Joseph

When unboxing the Fairy whateveritiscalled I had high hopes for failure.
The box is covered in mostly covered in Japanese and what little English there is doesn’t make a whole lot of sense: “Operate it easily with one hand. The size that the world minimum is compact.” (Mimi and I want that last part on a T-shirt.)

Hilariously bad translation alone does not mean a product will be low quality. However, the Fairy looks kinda cheap, the one that was sent to us has something audibly rolling around inside, and the attachments look…well…silly. So I thought that would be one of those products that is funny to use and fun to bash in the review. Then I turned it on.

The high pitched and high intensity buzz that this tiny thing produced changed my mind almost instantly. I got really excited and couldn’t wait for Mimi to try it. I sensed a throw down between the Hitachi and the Fairy coming on. I heard it all in my head:

Hitachi: “You stay away from Mimi’s vag!”

Fairy: “You tell Mimi’s vag to stay away from me! You think your fat ass
can compete with this?”

Hitachi: “You did not just call me fat! Come ‘ere you little bitch!”

From there it is just a cat fight mess of cord-pulling and name-calling.

Odd daydreams aside, I really thought this unlikely newcomer might give the Hitachi a run for its money once Mimi got to test it out. Now obviously (as you have already read) it did not take the Hitachi’s place in her heart, but it is certainly not a piece of junk like I originally thought. For women with different sensibilities than my lovely wife’s, it could easily be the champ.

One final note; the product’s name does appear to be the Fairy Mini Mini and it has two Minis because it is two sizes smaller than the original Fairy Massage Wand from Japan. I cannot find an example of the original but if this monster is the “mini” then I can see why there is a need for a Mini Mini.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 

Volume: 5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 4 out of 5 stars (there are attachments available)

Ease of cleaning: 

Overall:  (if you live alone) 4 out of 5 stars (if you live with a non-partner)

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The Tantus Stroker provided by Tabu Toys

Mimi

As you can probably gather from the name, the Stroker is “100 % Ultra-Premium Silicone”, and it is indeed an implement used to stroke your own or someone else’s penis. I’m not sure exactly what makes a silicone product ultra-premium, but I like the consequences. The Stroker is hypoallergenic, odorless, tasteless, and phthalate free. You can completely clean and sanitize the Stroker by boiling it for 10-15 minutes or putting it in the top rack of your dishwasher. Simple and worry free.

The Stroker is 4-1/2” long and without being stretched it’s about 1-3/4” at its widest and 3 / 4” at the ridges. It does have some elasticity, although it doesn’t appear to have a whole lot. The ridges, meant to mimic vaginal contractions, are really smooth (I enjoy touching this toy) yet could be potentially uncomfortable. They are really prominent and rigid.

It comes in white, which is normally rather unappealing to me in sex toys, but Tantus has used it in such a way that it actually offers a touch of class. The Stroker is not one of those male masturbation toys that you cannot stop laughing about long enough to use it. It looks very clean, purposefully designed, and contemporary.

Joseph

This is the first sex toy from Tantus that we’ve had the privilege of testing. We’ve consistently heard and read great things about Tantus brand dildos. Other reviewers rave about the Acute, a lot.

With that mindset about the company, I was really excited when this toy arrived. I really wanted to like it. Really badly. So badly that when I initially hated it, I just assumed that I was doing something wrong because Tantus and its Stroker were obviously above suspicion.

On a mission to prove me and my stupid nerve endings wrong, I ask the internet about the Tantus Stroker. The internet answered with a resounding “Meh.” The responses ranged from “really painful” to “just ok”. I could only find a single review of this product that was favorable and that was from a suspiciously sycophantic source that I don’t trust.

Unfortunately it seems that my first impressions of the Tantus Stroker reflect that of many men; for a toy that is designed to “simulate vaginal contractions”, this thing hurts.

The internal ribs are too stiff and end up pummeling my penis as it goes in and out of the Stroker. The ridges are so tight and hard that they end up acting as squeegees that funnel all of the lube to the top and bottom of the Stroker. That adds chaffing to the previous pummeling. I was not pleased.

If that weren’t bad enough, it makes a really silly noise while in use. Please see video for example.

I have read that Tantus intended this toy to be “for men who love the tight feel” (they weren’t kidding!) and that they have released an XL version. This is a step forward, but I would not know to buy the XL. My cock is certainly not XL and I would think that I needed to purchase a sleeve accordingly.

I have not lost my faith in Tantus as a company and look forward to trying their next product but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I will <i>never</i> put my penis in the Stroker again.

P.S.
It is tasteless as advertised. I licked it to be sure.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Volume: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 5 out of 5 stars (it looks good for a sleeve)

Versatility: 1 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 2 out of 5 stars

That’s right, Mimi drew an angry penis.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Fetish Pleasure Pad provided by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fetish Pleasure Pad is another sex toy that is technically a good idea but fails in application. Let me describe it as simply as I can. It is a soft pad with four straps and a hole in the middle. It seems like it would be frustrating to use any other dildos than the ones included because the bases would need to be of a specific size to fit through the hole. Of course, when I say “use” I mean strap said dildo wielding pad to a chair, bench, motorcycle, or whatever kind of sturdy object that you can and have fun.

Pipedream (the manufacturer) is kind enough to include two dongs (the term they use), lube and toy cleaner sample, and a blindfold in the box with the pleasure pad. The dongs are made of latex rubber and stink like you would not believe. Imagine having a condom inside your olfactory glands and then you may begin to understand. Aside from reeking, one of  the dongs is neon blue and “realistic”. The other is smaller, slimmer, and black. Both of them have very effective suction cups and will hang from a wall for days. I know that bit of information is not directly useful but I felt it was worth mentioning.

The lube is very thin but did not dry up too quickly during intercourse and seemed to work pretty well for Mimi on the dongs. We haven’t yet used the toy cleaner, so I can’t speak to how well it works.

I can’t imagine what the purpose of including a blindfold with this product could possibly be. In fact, it seems a little dangerous to me. You strap the pad to a chair, put the blindfold on, and then sexily stub your toe. Awesome.

As far as the product in use…it did not look like Mimi enjoyed it a great deal, but I’ll let her tell you about that.

It is someone’s job to design the labels of these. Think about that.

Mimi

The Shower Smoothy Dong and the Lifelike Dong that came with the Please Pad butchered any fantasy I had about this toy being sexually satisfying. It’s not because the Lifelike Dong is blue or that they’re both floppy rubber, although the material itself helped. They killed it because they smell like offensively cheap floral soap mixed with latex. Can you imagine wanting to put that inside your body?

And I don’t mean a faint smell that you only notice if you press your nose against the toy. Our bathroom, where the toys currently live, smells like those Dongs. It’s a hell of a time to run out of incense, let me tell you.

The pad itself is easy to install and clean, especially if you have a standing shower or if you’re so accustomed to washing items by hand that you could do it in your sleep. If you don’t have space to let it dry out conveniently (and discreetly), that may be reason enough not to purchase this item. There would be no mistaking what this is on a clothes line.

The suction cups, although amusing to childish hooligans like us (see photo of Dong stuck to bathroom mirror), are actually practical – they help keep the Dongs in place while you’re using them. If you can get into the Pleasure Pad, you definitely don’t want it moving on you.

Due to this simplistic design approach, I can see why someone might really enjoy the Pleasure Pad. Sure, when I was a little girl, I used to love straddling the arm of chairs, then rocking back and forth. I get the idea. But I still didn’t like this toy. Aside from having to surpass a psychological hurdle against putting a foul smelling object inside my body, the Pleasure Pad mostly felt awkward and inefficient.

We joked almost the whole time, first about the totally arbitrary “free” black eye mask, then about the positions I had to assume just for the Lifelike Dong to hit my g-spot. The Lifelike Dong is not really firm enough, and that combined with humping a wooden stool/piano bench/chair (i.e., something hard) equates to fairly high percentage of frustration. The Shower Smoothy Dong felt a little more than decent in my butt…

I guess that’s representative of my whole point, though. The Pleasure Pad is remarkably, amazingly okay. At best. Really it just made me want to attack Joseph and get it done proper. So the Pleasure Pad did create a memorable experience between myself and my fiancé, but not in the way intended.

It is hard to come up with picture ideas for every product, ok? Get off our back!

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 2 out of 5 stars

Volume: N/A

Aesthetic design: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 3 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Mimi

The Hitachi Magic Wand (referred to from now on as Hitachi) is not, I repeat, not an attractive sex toy. It looks like something you find in a box under your grandma’s bed after she has died, mildly discolored and thinly covered with dust, leaving you to ask yourself a million times, “Did I touch it?” It’s big (head is 2-1/2” diameter), long (12”), has a cord, and the coloration is reminiscent of terms like “gynecologist” and “PTA”.

You get the point. No offence moms out there who love having orgasms and going to PTA meetings, but I think we can agree those two subjects don’t exactly go hand-in-hand at the same time.

If my ex-boyfriend hadn’t purchased it for me as a gift a little over two years ago, I probably would not have ever experienced this vibrator. Although it’s cheaper than a lot of other electric vibrators on the market at $54, it’s just not as sleek and sexy and would therefore be passed up. It’s not the toy you want to brag to your girlfriends about. It’s not the toy you want to whip out of the drawer and use with your new boyfriend.

All of that said, I love my Hitachi.

Yes, it’s intense. It only has two settings – high and higher. For some women, this might be a real problem because it can be painful or distracting. Just like any other sex toy, you have to figure out how to make it work for you. I don’t ever use the Hitachi directly on my clit but rather above it or below it, and I rarely ever use the higher setting. (Or the Desperation setting, as I affectionately think of it.) I still have really intense orgasms, especially with a g-spot stimulating dildo like my Fun Wand.

(Together, it’s Magic Fun. Get it?)

At first the cord is really a turn off, but unless you’re ridiculously clumsy and/or lacking a sense of humor, the cord is never going to be a significant concern. When your other vibrator’s batteries are dead and you somehow managed to forget to buy more, your trusty plug-in Hitachi will be there. (True story. It happened to me.) Also, as I mentioned before, I’ve had this vibrator for over two years. Two years of frequent use, of my writhing and twisting and squeezing. R-e-l-i-a-b-l-e.

So how is it with a friend? Well, Joseph laughed quite a lot when he first saw my Hitachi, but jokes were quickly put aside once the relatively loud buzz of the Hitachi started, corresponding with moans and my thighs crushing the hand he naively entrusted to my nether regions. I’ve been crushing him ever since… so to speak.

It seems like the Hitachi is a vibrator that women either swear their life by or they can’t imagine why everyone else is so in love with it. I’ve heard both stories, I’m sticking to mine. I love it and when it someday dies on me, to hell with groceries for a couple weeks, my Hitachi will be replaced.

Joseph

When I saw the Hitachi Magic Wand in her toy chest for the first time I though “Holy fuck! How does she fit that inside of her and why does she want to continue having sex with humans if she likes that size?” How silly I was.

That was before I had any experience with sex toys. Obviously I was not familiar with the concept of a vibrator that does not go inside. Quickly I became well acquainted with the Hitachi and it’s proper usage.

It is my understanding that it is too powerful for most to use directly on the clitoris, it is much better suited for proximity stimulation. Placed above or below the clit, this thing vibrates a woman’s whole pelvis and sends Mimi screaming to heaven within a few minutes. Sturdy, wired, powerful, and ugly as hell, the Hitachi Magic Wand is the shotgun of vibrators. Just get close and it will do its job.

A sign of a great product is when you cannot think of life without it. The Hitachi has become of those products for us. It is more than just an accessory to Mimi. It is a regular part of her sex life. The intensity of the orgasms that she has while using the Hitachi are unparalleled (watch the video) and she requires the kind of stimulation that it provides in order to reach them.

From my perspective, it is an awesome part of our sex lives. It is approachable (since I got over my misconceptions) because of how ludicrous it looks and sounds, it does not require me to buy more batteries every few months, and most importantly, it makes it relatively easy for me to help her have earth (and eardrum) shattering orgasms. I just lend a finger (or two) to her G-spot and enjoy the show.

I’ve heard that female sex toys threaten some men. That’s just stupid. Sex toys are a way for people to find out specifically what they like and how they like it. Some things that sex toys do are physically impossible for a human to do. For example, I could never, ever stimulate a clitoris as quickly or as intensely as the Hitachi Magic Wand. It is just not possible. I know that some guys have a “I have to make her cum” complex, but mine is closer to a “she has to enjoy the experience” complex. Sometimes, for her to fully enjoy the experience (or cum, if you must) she needs stimulation at a rate that I cannot achieve, so I reach for the Hitachi. It is a tool, a means to an end, and it is bad ass at what it does.

It is portable… just like Zack Morris’s cell phone

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Volume: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 3 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 3.5 out of 5 stars (there are attachments available)

Ease of cleaning: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!