The Nookii Game provided for review by Tabu Toys

Mimi

Although sex is generally a very serious matter in mainstream, western culture, that’s not an entirely accurate account of sex. There’s definitely a place for humor, for play. I feel much more intimate with someone I can laugh with during sexual escapades. So in a way, it’s great that sex games can add a lot of fun to the interaction. It becomes problematic when the fun overwhelms those lustful urges. This often happens to us when we play games – until we give up on the game and do our own thing.

Nookii is a very simple game. As the title suggests, it favours coupled action, especially of the male-female sort. There are two sets of cards – one for men and one for women – within which there are three levels of arousal – mmm’s, ooh’s, and aah’s. The mmm card is a warm-up, the ooh card is meant to be fun, and the aah card is meant to seal the deal. The game comes with dice and a timer that may or may not actually work properly (ours didn’t). There’s also the worst-blindfold-that-has-ever-existed-but-your-mom-might-wear-it-if-she-likes-scarves.

The biggest problem that I see with this game is its verbosity. Imagine having to read these directions aloud to your partner:

“Stand behind me. Run your fingers through my hair, pulling it straight back behind my ears and holding it for the duration. Breathe cool breath on my right ear, applying your tongue delicately to the edges. Repeat to the left ear. Kiss my forehead an inch above the brow of my nose. Concentrate your tongue on this area in a circular motion. While still holding my hair back, kiss the tip of my nose. Tip my head further back and kiss my lips. Rub noses with mine in an ‘Eskimo’ kissing style.”

If you read them as he goes, the actions become stunted and mechanical by the interruptions of speech. If you read them ahead of time, he will more than likely forget his lengthy instructions.

Some of the lengthy directions contain parts that don’t make much sense:

“Plant delicate kisses over his face starting with his forehead and then moving down to his cheeks, nose, upper lip and chin. Place your arms around his neck and rest on his shoulder massaging him with your thumbs…”

Um. What?

I would list some other examples, if I could do so without it requiring a whole separate paragraph just to establish a context. Every single card offers lengthy, detailed, and sometimes confusing instructions. The language is part driver’s education material and part spirit animal meditation. Maybe part of my personal problem with it is that I’m not a very formal speaker when it comes to sex. In fact, sometimes I’m downright incoherent. I would like this game a lot more if the directions were less softcore robot porn and more creatively intuitive.

However, I will say that this game is good for laughs or if you’ve been a lazy lover. If you’re pretty new to sex or have a new partner, it’s not a bad way to feel out vanilla foreplay more thoroughly. We had a lot of fun playing it, even though we hated the blindfold and felt way more amused than aroused.

Joseph

This is our first review of a sex toy in a long….long time. Let’s see if we still got it.

The first thing that I noticed about the Nookii game was the ludicrously wasteful amount of packaging. All six of the decks of cards (mmm’s, ooo’s, and aah’s for male and female) were individually wrapped in plastic, the timer, the dice, and the awful scratchy scarf were also wrapped in their own plastic. Perhaps Double G. Communications, Ltd. (the manufacturer) wants everyone that orders this game to be assured that no other sweaty awkward people have touched their horrifically inaccurate timer or their inexplicably verbose playing cards.

The gameplay itself is….ridiculous. I won’t detail the mechanics again because Mimi did a good job of that but I do feel like I should give you some more of the really strange and totally unsexy wording from the cards. Keep in mind that you are supposed to read these aloud to your sexytimes partner while they attempt to obey your commanded commands.

“Get down on your knees and knead my buttocks as if they are pizza dough. Play with my breasts and enjoy my mouth, kissing me deeply. ‘OOOOOHHHH you can deliver my pizza anytime.’ “

“Take off all your clothes. Stroke my bottom in a swirling motion. Nibble my buttocks, pull my panties down and lick me in one motion from between my legs to the small of my back. Do it again. Turn me on my back. Softly tug at my pubic hair and nibble all around.”

“Place the scarf over my buttocks and starting at my outer hips, cover my cheeks with kisses. Keeping the scarf in place use your tongue like a snake interspersing with licks and flicks. Pull my trousers down to my ankles and open my legs further, pushing my cheeks together as you do so. Kiss and nuzzle the space between my cheeks.”

They just go on and on like that. Also, there are an awful lot of cards that command you to place your nose or mouth in between your partner’s butt cheeks. Not sure what that is about. Mimi and I are pretty open but we agree that nosing the poo-hole is not our thing.

Aside from the everything that is wrong with the game, it slightly annoyed me that it is very clearly only intended to be played by a man and a women. I know that it is ok for games to exist that are only for heterosexual couples just as it is ok for games to exist that are only for homosexual couples. Having said that, it bothers me that Nookii  gives no indication that it is set up that way from the box. I could see a homosexual couple purchasing the game and then being quite disappointed that the gameplay is set up in such a way that excludes them. Of course, playing the game is just as disappointing – ZING!

Mimi and I had fun while we were playing it but not because the game itself is fun or well crafted. We had fun because we have fun doing almost everything. We were laughing at the game. Not with it.

After we played we immediately started brainstorming ways to make the game actually fun. What we really came up with were ways to use the stupid cards. Leave them in addition to the tip at a restaurant, stick them up at bus stops, leave them in the suggestion box at McDonald’s, and (of course) mail them to congressmen.

The Naked Truth

Entertainment Value: 1 out of 5 stars

Aesthetics: 3 out of 5 stars

Craftsmanship: 2 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 1 out of 5 stars

“Great service!”

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet provided for review by Tabu Toys

Mimi

The Xtreme Pack Mimi G-spot Bullet is a brightly coloured green and purple with flashing red lights, a toy reminiscent of a handheld video game system, minus the PEW-PEW shooting noise. It really does seem like a toy.

But the Xtreme Pack means business. The 2.25″ x 1″ bullet vibrator plugs into a plastic and rubber controller with buttons to increase intensity, change the setting, or turn it off. As you increase the intensity, red lights appear or disappear in a crescent across the controller. The controller is pretty easy and straight-forward. You can handily rest it on your chest while masturbating, changing the settings periodically with ease. The bullet itself is designed with a curve at the end to stimulate the g-spot, but it also works well for stimulating the clit. It takes two AA batteries, which are not included.

I didn’t really enjoy it inside me, regardless of the setting or intensity. It just felt like my pelvis was vibrating and I really didn’t feel like it was assisting me in any way. Most of its use has been external, against my clit. I varied my use between the tip and the wider backside of the bullet. If you’ve never used a bullet vibrator before, you should know that as you are holding the bullet, you can feel all of the vibration in your fingers. As you make the bullet vibrate more intensely, the sensation may become distracting in your fingers. Some women experience this, some women don’t or they get used to it. At first it irritated me (as it does with every new bullet I try), but eventually I got used to it.

Although I did not reach orgasm on even the highest setting, I do believe that if I were not on medication at this time, it would have been more likely to happen. Or if I wasn’t so stressed out. In other words, if your body is not giving you the silent treatment like mine is, you’d probably get more out of the Xtreme Pack. Due to the fact that this vibrator takes AA batteries, its intensity and power can only reach so high. It does not compare to a plug-in or a rechargeable vibrator. So even though it calls itself “Xtreme”, it’s really not. The Xtreme Pack is kind of in a grey area for me, a middle ground where I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either and it therefore becomes best explained with a shrug.

What you can’t see is that those lights blink like an epileptic nightmare.

Joseph

I have no problem with the concept or actual use of this product. A G-spot bullet on a long cord attached to a very easy to use control panel. It has 5 speed and 7 settings. That’s cool. It is pretty powerful for what it is and the materials are not great but they are not awful.  There is not really anything inherently wrong with this product. However….

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE COLOR CHOICES AND THE NAME? Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet? Seriously? What makes it xtreme (extreme even) and why is it neon green and purple. Is the target market 12 year old boys?

The confounding color choices, the name, and the fact that the package claims that this product has a “soft rubber cote” leads me to believe that  the marketing people were drunk when they approved this one. Or maybe they had been watching too many Mountain Dew commercials…

Hey Joseph, what’s a cote?

That’s a very good question. I’ll tell ya what a cote is. A small shelter for domestic animals (as sheep or pigeons). Yep. Don’t believe me? Look.

I could understand this screw up if the producer was a Japanese sex toy company. They have a notioursly hard time translating. Guess who the manufacturer is. Freaking Cal Exotics. From California.

I’ll wrap this post up with a call to action.

Why not write Cal Exotics and ask them how they managed to cover your sex toy with a soft rubber shelter for domestic animals?

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics:

Intensity:  4 out of 5 stars

Volume:

Ease of Cleaning: 4 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 3.5 out of 5 stars

So EXTREME they had to remove the first E from Mimi & Joseph on Vimeo.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The Fleshlight Ice provided for review by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fleshlight Ice is a modern wonder of fake vagina technology. It is by far the best non-animate thing that I’ve ever had the pleasure of sticking my dick in. It is one of the many variations on the original Fleshlight.

If you’re reading this, I assume that you are familiar with what a Fleshlight is. If not, head on over to their website and browse around a bit. I guess if you’re too lazy for that, I’ll explain. To oversimplify, it is a tube made of Superskin (which feels much like super soft silicone) housed inside a hard plastic case.

The Fleshlight Ice is a variation on the original that is clear. The idea there is that you can see your wang move in and out of the sleeve. It is actually kinda cool.

One of the features of the Fleshlight is the variation available for the inside of the sleeve. Again, if you’re interested you can learn more about this on the Fleshlight website. The particular model that we were sent has the “speed bump” interior which has hundreds of soft beads lining the inside of the sleeve.

The Fleshlight arrives powdered and the instructions inform you that you can re-powder it with corn starch to achieve a silky smooth feeling. This is a bit perplexing to me because the instructions also recommend that you soak the sleeve in hot water until it is comfortably warm…which washes off all the powder. That’s just a waste of corn starch.

Without powder, the sleeve is hella sticky. This can be somewhat unpleasant and annoying when taking it out of the case or trying to put it back in. It will stick to the inside of the case and bunch up in an obnoxious manner if you’re not careful. Replacing the sleeve can feel a bit like Operation. Thankfully it does not make that god awful buzzing noise when you mess up.

The stickiness is not really an issue when you are using the Fleshlight though. This is because of that wonderful and indispensible substance known as lube. Seeing as the Fleshlight does not produce its own lubrication, it is necessary to lube yourself or the sleeve before use.

When properly lubed, it feels freaking fantastic. The hard outer case serves to keep the canal of the sleeve nice and tight while in use and there is an adjustable valve at the end that allows you to restrict the airflow which causes various levels of suction. The case is also useful because it allows you to cram the Fleshlight into things for hands free use. They sell furniture with Fleshlight sized holes in them (which I imagine are quite the conversational piece) but I’ve found that stuffing it in between the mattress and box springs works just fine.

The only real problem that I have with the way it feels is that the speed bumps make the sensation so intense that it is over rather quickly. Yup, it makes me come really quickly. I suppose that it could be argued that the whole point of a masturbation sleeve is to make you come but the buildup is a big part of the fun. It is no coincidence that this model is the one that they sell as a stamina builder.

After you’re done building your stamina comes the cleaning. You need to take the sleeve out of the case, wash the come out of it, let it dry and then put it back in the case. Easy, right? No.

The washing out part is pretty simple but the drying is quite the pain in the ass. You have to let it sit for at least a couple of hours and then turn it inside out and repeat. I know, letting something sit is not that hard, but take into consideration that you have to leave this giant translucent slug out in the open for a minimum of four hours. Not very discrete.

Cleaning issues aside, this is hands down the best masturbation sleeve that I’ve encountered. Cleaning issues considered, it only very narrowly passes the almighty Is It Worth It test but it does pass the test.

Lookit them bumps!

Mimi

I know that some people turn masturbation sleeves into a partnered event, but I’m not really inclined to do that. I’m likely to get distracted and start blowing him instead or giggling or thinking about egg salad. (Every now and then I crave… things.) Now that I’ve loosely explained my cognitive and psychological deficiencies, I’m sure it’s unnecessary for me to elaborate extensively on the fact that there isn’t much I can say about the Fleshlight Ice. Since Joseph won’t let me say HUZZAH and be done with it, I will add a few little notes from my perspective:

Fleshlight Ice is pretty classy looking as far as masturbation sleeves go; in fact, I’m the one who wanted it for him and it wasn’t my sadism kicking in, either. Had I not selected it for him and I were to find it drying in the bathroom, I would not be disgusted. Amused, yes. Wondering how often he masturbates, yes. Fingering it, yes. Trying to come up with an appropriate chick name for it, yes. Inclined to throw it at a wall near his head and laugh as it sticks for a moment before sliding down, yes. Disgust or shame does not enter the equation anywhere.

Oh, and you will definitely find it in the bathroom unless there’s a special section in a cabinet that it can dry in. A little Fleshlight Ice loft, so to speak. It takes a while to dry thoroughly and unless you think mildew is sexy, you need to give it enough time. Depending on how often you masturbate… well, you get me. Planning may be involved. If family is coming over for dinner, maybe you should wait for your little rendezvous with the Fleshlight Ice until the coast is clear.

Based on what I’ve read, the Fleshlight Ice is worth every dime because not only does it feel fantastic, it’s also made with quality materials that will last a long time provided that this luxury toy is cared for properly. In sum, it is a pretty swank sex toy.

HUZZAH!

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: 4 out of 5 stars

Ease of Cleaning: 2 out of 5 stars

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Inflatable Tilt Master provided for review by Tabu Toys.

Joseph

This product is stupid. And ridiculous. And it almost killed me and Mimi. I almost died while trying to blow the damn thing up and Mimi had a little mishap the first time she tried to sit on it. Actually, that was pretty funny. Don’t take my word for it, watch the video.*

The Inflatable Tilt Master is part of Pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy Series. So far, my favorite part of the Fetish Fantasy Series is that every single part of the series seems to come with a free cheap mask. That means that either they don’t think that anyone will buy more than one of the series or that they subscribe to the philosophy that you can never have too many cheap blindfolds. I believe the former is more realistic.

This particular installation of the series is a large inflatable Pac-Man with handles on the side. The idea is that this will make getting it on easier because of the rocking motion. In our experience, it makes getting it on significantly more difficult because of its supreme instability. It is hard to sit on this thing comfortably, much less have sex on it.

We tried several positions on it (we tried to mimic the positions on the box) and could not get into a good rhythm in any of them. I suppose there is the possibility that we suck at making sex positions work, but I can think of a several occasions that would cast doubt on that idea.

Unlike the Pleasure Pad, this wasn’t even good in theory. It just should not be.

I sincerely hope that all of Pipe Dream’s sex toys are as silly and poorly thought out as the two that we have had the chance to review. While the product testing can be less…exciting to review than it is with some of the other products we get it is certainly more fun with a lot more giggling involved. Now, you may say that giggling has no place in sex-toy review. That would be because you’re a big wrong-head.

These products (the horrible ones) are a huge part of what makes our job fun.

Mimi

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m clumsy, goofy, and prone to ridiculousness. So although it’s entirely fair to consider that maybe the Inflatable Tilt Master caused me to tilt, tip, fall over, flip, and flail simply because of my own character “flaws”, it’s much more likely that objects such as the Inflatable Tilt Master only make matters worse.  Why? Well, Joseph fell over and had difficulty getting up, too. I just didn’t manage to grab a camera in time. And Joseph is not nearly as clumsy as me.

Even with Joseph’s guiding presence, sex was totally lacking in any wow moments of any kind. There’s no leverage at all. We ended up laughing (and frustrated), tossing the Inflatable Tilt Master aside and getting down and dirty the ol’ fashioned way. Much better.  The warm up was nice – and funny, certainly – but we’ll move onto the real sex. Thanks.

Aside from the technical complications that come up from attempting to have sex on top of a black slightly elongated beach ball with a slice cut out of it, there’s also the strange fake crushed velvet texture of the Inflatable Tilt Master that I am not convinced can be cleaned effectively or conveniently.

Instead of continuing to beat the horse, especially since I am opposed to beating horses in the first place, I’m going to quit now and get to the point – the Inflatable Tilt Master is in no way helpful to your sexual exploits. Ever. Unless you’re into fighting each other with inflatable objects, and really, if that’s what you’re into then go to K-Mart during their end of summer sale and buy a big, plastic shark or a turtle or something. That would be more impressive.

The Naked Truth

Convenience: 3 out of 5 stars

Usefulness: 0 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic appeal: 1 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 1 out of 5 stars

Overall: 1.5 out of 5 stars

The box doesn’t make getting up easier, let me tell you.

* The video we are referring to does not seem to be working on Vimeo or YouTube, so we think there might be something wrong with the file itself. We’ll keep trying to work something out, but if we cannot manage it within a reasonable amount of time, then there will simply be no video. Sad, I know. Thanks for your patience.  - MGMT

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Joseph

The Adult Toybox is a 12” wide x 9” deep purple faux leather hard zippered case to hold sex toys in. It has fabric pocket on the back and an elastic strap sewn down in various places so that you can suspend things of different sizes from the top of the case. Things like condoms or sampler packs of lube or bullet vibes or small candles or butt plugs or…well, you get the idea.

Included with the case is a tiny lock for keeping people from “accidentally” discovering your oh-so-naughty box of pleasure. That must be what the lock is intended for because that is really all that it is good for. It is the kind of tiny suitcase lock that airport security will snap off to search your bags if they see fit. The lock does, however, have the logo for the company that makes the case. As do the zipper pulls and a tag on the inside…and a tag that was attached when it came. For Your Nymphomation certainly doesn’t want you to forget where you bought it. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with building a brand identity. Hell, we are trying to do it ourselves.

The tag also tells me that it was made in China. Whoever made it in China did a bang-up job. The case feels sturdy and appears to be well made. When I read that it was faux leather and purple no less, I expected it to be ugly as hell. Despite my trepidation, the Adult Toybox has a certain amount of class, a certain j’ne sais pas. It is large enough to hold quite a few of our toys and eased our overburdened drawer and it is fun to open it up and see our toys neatly splayed at my fingertips.

Mimi

I’m a bit obsessive when it comes to organization. It’s within my nature to continually assess and reassess a space and my possessions to see if the organization can be improved. When you’re short on space and funds, it becomes an art form.

Our bedside toy drawer was organized pretty well, but then seemingly overnight the space went from a bit disheveled to The Fucking Drawer Will Not Fucking Close And I Cannot Fucking Find the Lube I Want And For Serious Where The Fuck Is My Gigi?!?!?! – obviously, this was not efficient. One does not want to have to empty out half of the drawer just to find one item. Or curse so much. Or say, “for serious” in a serious manner.

Our needs were simple. We need a case for sex toys. This toy case needs to fit underneath the bed because we have no extra closet space. Great suggestions were offered to us in regards to toy organization, but they won’t fit under the bed. Major drawback.

The For Your Nymphomation Adult Toybox meets our needs perfectly, but it also does so stylishly, which appeases my inner princess. And my outer hostess. Let me explain – the friends who stayed in our apartment before the wedding know about our website and they’re very supportive of our decision (hooray for good friends) so if they found a clear plastic container full of dildos, they’d probably just laugh hysterically. However, there are occasions when such a discovery would not be treated similarly, such as when my landlord comes over. It’s nice to know my toys are safe, organized, and hidden inside of a sexy little purple case.

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: 5 out of 5 stars

Practicality: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Discretion: 5 out of 5 stars

Capacity: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

Now what will we put in that drawer?

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Lelo Gigi provided by Tabu Toys

Mimi

My first experience with ejaculation occurred a few years ago and it was a complete surprise. I bent over and smelled the large stain on my bed to make sure I hadn’t peed myself. The whole time I was laughing – it didn’t even matter what happened. It was all too funny. And I didn’t concern myself much with it because, as far as I could remember, I hadn’t deviated much from my normal masturbation routine. So it was a fluke, as far as I could tell. Also, it wasn’t an earth-shattering experience. It was just a really funny, messy one.

In the past few months I’ve become much more interested in female ejaculation, partially from my own curiosity and partially on account of being a sex toy reviewer. I have duties, after all. It seems like squirting all over my bed is one of those duties.

As soon as I saw the Gigi, I wanted it. I’m a sucker for lovely objects. I bought a “fancy”, expensive bicycle once because I thought it was beautiful, without knowing anything else about the bicycle. Even after reading the less-than-glowing reviews for Gigi, I was committed to introducing it to my g-spot.

When Joseph told me we’d be receiving a Gigi, I squealed like a pre-teen meeting the Jonas Brothers at a concert. Some of the girlish enthusiasm subsided a bit (um, I was in Getting Married Oh Fuck mode), but when Gigi came I was still thoroughly excited. It’s truly an exquisite looking toy. It comes in a black gift box with “LELO” centered on the lid, carefully contained in a black hard plastic molded to fit the Gigi perfectly. Below the hard plastic you’ll find a white satin pouch (to keep the Gigi in if you get rid of the box), a charger, manual, and 1-year warranty.

The first time was a bit ho-hum as I went through each setting and tested the intensity, but nevertheless I immediately observed parts of the toy I found appealing. For one thing, Gigi locks so it will not ever start up unless you want it to and that’s quite nice. Secondly, it’s quiet, even on the higher settings. Third, the placement of the control pad forces me to rather awkwardly hold the Gigi, but it makes it really easy to change the settings whenever I want. And really, you get used to holding it differently. Fourth, it’s hard so it could offer the kind of pressure I wanted against my g-spot.

My only complaint about the toy is the high pitch hum that occurs on the two lowest settings. Grating, really. Thankfully, I didn’t need to use those settings much at all. I could see some women taking issue with the size of the Gigi, which is only 6.5″ x 1.4″, so you don’t have a whole lot of room for maneuvering.

After a few sessions with the toy – which holds a charge really well, by the way – I am pleased to report that I successfully ejaculated every time. Pleased mostly because it was an interesting/amusing/”special” experience – only twice did I actually feel physically better because of it. My point is that, similar to the Fun Wand, don’t set yourself up with this goal to make a big damn mess in bed. Go ahead and put a towel or two down, but then forget about it. Close your eyes and move in the way that feels right at the time. Your g-spot more than likely needs a lot of exclusive attention, so offer that attention and see what happens.

It might sound creepy, but I really enjoy opening the box, running a finger along the silky Deep Rose silicone, and closing the box. It’s still, first and foremost, a great looking toy no matter what anyone says about its size or the control pad. Whether or not it’s more than an attractive piece of machinery depends on your individual needs. My needs have been met. And met. And met. And met some more.

Joseph

I admit that even though I don’t have a G-spot for the Gigi’s lovely Deep Rose head to stimulate, I was rather excited about receiving it. Thus far, this is the geekiest sex toy that we have had the chance to review. Right out of the box it looks and feels more like something that Steve Jobs would be touting than something intended to go inside one’s vagina. I dream of a day when those two are the same.

It has a multi-function LED indicator light, a wonderful rechargeable battery, and the controls are buttons in the shape of a wheel. Sound familiar? Judging by the aesthetic design, it may as well be call the iSquirt.

In addition to looking like something you would pay too much for at Best Buy, it has five pre-programmed vibration settings as well as user controlled intensity. That means you can have any of the five vibrate at pretty much any speed that you want. That’s cool.

Because of the width of the base, it is extremely easy to use on someone else. The button wheel does not get in the way at all while rhythmically pushing it in and out. It would not hurt if it were a little longer as that would make it easier to hold on to.

Until a manufacturer makes a male sex toy this cool I will continue to secretly pine for a vagina of my very own.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Volume: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 5 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 4 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

The Gigi’s only drawback: LOTS of dirty towels.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Splash Gentle Feminine Wash provided by Tabu Toys

Mimi

Unlike many of the older women in my family, I’m not a pampering product junkie. A lot of functional and/or luxurious objects still equate to clutter in my mind. So that’s what I mean when I say that Splash Gentle Feminine Wash is not something I would normally consider buying for myself. (I’ve got soap. Why do I need “special” soap?) However, as a reviewer I am much more open to various types of products and despite Joseph’s snarky comment about how Splash is “probably just overpriced soap” when the product first arrived here, I was ready to give it a fair chance.

I received the “naturally unscented” version of this product because my body is very selective and unforgiving, and it really is virtually completely fragrance free. After inspecting the bottle, which has a very youthful, girly design, I was pleased to note that Splash has not been tested on animals (major plus), it is hypoallergenic and non-toxic, supposedly removes odor causing bacteria, and is “perfectly balanced to complement of woman’s PH”. (Also, if it matters to you, this product is glycerin free.)

Most of the ingredients are recognizable (water, coconut oil), but you may not recognize EGMS and DMDM Hydantoin. These ingredients are more than likely in many of your standard store bought shampoos, conditioners, and soaps.

As for how it felt, well, it doesn’t feel like regular soap. It has a slightly slicker, almost oil-like quality to it, perhaps because of the coconut oil derived ingredients. (I’m not a damn chemist.) This feels really, really good on the sensitive skin. I found myself washing and massaging more thoroughly than normal just because it was a pleasure to experience. And with Splash, a little goes a long way. One 4.2 oz bottle should last a few months, even with daily use.

I can’t really know whether or not Splash is improving the smell of my vulva, especially because I don’t generally have any problem with unpleasant odors. If you have noticed a serious problem with odor, you should probably see a doctor instead of relying on this product to cure you.

The only odd consequence that I noticed was that my vulva felt moist for a couple hours after using Splash, as if someone lightly sprayed me with a water bottle or like I didn’t dry myself off well enough post shower. It may or may not happen to you if you use Splash – different bodies after all – and I do not perceive it as being a significant hassle. Shower the night before, wear cotton panties, and/or wear pants that aren’t incredibly tight if you’re concerned.

Not only am I really glad that we received Splash for review, 4 or 5 months from now when the bottle is empty I know I’ll feel inclined to replace it. It feels luxurious yet it’s not a huge, unreasonable strain on my budget or my space.

Joseph

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what this was or that we were getting it. Mimi and I put a list of sex toys and things from Tabu Toys together and this was one of Mimi’s picks that I said “yeah, whatever, fine” to. After taking it from the box and inspecting it a bit, I proclaimed it to be “just soap.”

Once the surgical procedure required to remove my head from my ass was complete, I was more able to evaluate the product on a fair level. I tried a little bit on my boy bits in the shower and found it to be soap. Really awesome soap. It is (as Mimi said) slightly slicker than regular soap and feels just delightful on sensitive skin. It rinses easily and leaves the skin feeling moist and clean.

The package design looks like something you would see at Target but hidden within the uber-trendy label is a very well thought out and well executed product.

In summary: Splash Gentle Feminine Wash is soap. Just like a scalpel is a knife and nail polish is paint. It is soap made a special way for a special purpose.

The Naked Truth:

We don’t really have ranking categories that fit this product.

Overall: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Not that pussy, silly.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

pjur Woman Aqua lube provided by Tabu Toys

Mimi

Years ago when I started having sex, I didn’t give lubrication much thought, despite being one of those females who’s bodies simply do not produce enough lubrication. It’s like some kind of cosmological joke. I have sensitive skin and a very active libido combined with the damned Sahara desert down there. (Okay, so it’s not that dry. Or hot. Or deadly.) It is probably understood without saying that problems can arise.

pjur Woman Aqua is a good product for someone like me because it’s water-based, fragrance free, non-toxic, and “dermatologically tested”. We’ve been using this lube for a little over a week, and I haven’t had any complications with my skin. Aside from skin bliss, it’s also pretty good for just about any sexual activity you want to engage in, although perhaps best for masturbation and genital intercourse. And of course, because it’s water-based you can use it with any sex toy or condom.

Given pjur Woman Aqua’s liquidy consistency (think simple syrup or a thinner version of chocolate syrup), it can be messy. If it were the type of lube to get sticky and nasty, I would not forgive it for being prone to drip all over the place. I spilled some on the bathroom floor by the sink when preparing to use anal beads, and didn’t clean it up right away. When I came back to clean it, I actually stepped in it without realizing because it just felt like I stepped in water. The slipperiness on the bottom of my foot (no, I didn’t fall over, thank you) is what made me aware of having stepped in lube.

When we used pjur Woman Aqua during genital intercourse, we only needed to apply lube once in the beginning and it lasted without getting sticky or tacky. Did you catch that? It didn’t get sticky or tacky. IT DIDN’T GET STICKY OR TACKY. I love that. Afterwards, I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom right away and clean myself off. So many water-based lubes dry to filmy, sticky residue. Not this one.

We haven’t used pjur Woman Aqua for anal sex, and I’m hesitant to say it’s a great idea because of this lube’s thin consistency; however, it seems like this lube could handle it, provided that you keep it close by for re-application if necessary.

Felix is just so photogenic…

Joseph

I like this product quite a lot. Mimi has already touched on almost everything that there is to be said about it, so I’ll just reiterate that it doesn’t get sticky or tacky. Really, that’s a big deal to us. Every water-based lube that I’ve tried so far except for this one gets gross pretty quickly.

The bottle makes a lot of claims about this product. For instance, it says that the lube is “latex condom safe – long lasting – extra slippery – oil free – fat free – fragrance free – stain free – no after use clean up – dermatologically tested for skin and mucous membrane compatibility – non toxic – tastless.” The only things that I take issue with are that it is not *quite* tasteless and dermatologically is not really a word. Ok, that second issue is not fair or important. Dermatologically is a perfectly valid fake marketing word and its inclusion on the bottle is not in any way detrimental to the product.

pjur Woman Aqua is reasonably priced (16.95 for 100ml @ Tabu Toys) and I think that it is perfect to keep around as an all-around lube. You may want something thicker for anal play or a flavored or truly flavorless lube for oral play but other than that, this lube will not disappoint.

The Naked Truth:

Longevity: 5 out of 5 stars

Clean-up: 5 out of 5 stars

Taste: 3 out of 5 stars

Aroma: 5 out of 5 stars

Flexibility: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Joseph: Ima get me some of that!

pjur: You’ll have to go through me first, big guy.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The Tantus Stroker provided by Tabu Toys

Mimi

As you can probably gather from the name, the Stroker is “100 % Ultra-Premium Silicone”, and it is indeed an implement used to stroke your own or someone else’s penis. I’m not sure exactly what makes a silicone product ultra-premium, but I like the consequences. The Stroker is hypoallergenic, odorless, tasteless, and phthalate free. You can completely clean and sanitize the Stroker by boiling it for 10-15 minutes or putting it in the top rack of your dishwasher. Simple and worry free.

The Stroker is 4-1/2” long and without being stretched it’s about 1-3/4” at its widest and 3 / 4” at the ridges. It does have some elasticity, although it doesn’t appear to have a whole lot. The ridges, meant to mimic vaginal contractions, are really smooth (I enjoy touching this toy) yet could be potentially uncomfortable. They are really prominent and rigid.

It comes in white, which is normally rather unappealing to me in sex toys, but Tantus has used it in such a way that it actually offers a touch of class. The Stroker is not one of those male masturbation toys that you cannot stop laughing about long enough to use it. It looks very clean, purposefully designed, and contemporary.

Joseph

This is the first sex toy from Tantus that we’ve had the privilege of testing. We’ve consistently heard and read great things about Tantus brand dildos. Other reviewers rave about the Acute, a lot.

With that mindset about the company, I was really excited when this toy arrived. I really wanted to like it. Really badly. So badly that when I initially hated it, I just assumed that I was doing something wrong because Tantus and its Stroker were obviously above suspicion.

On a mission to prove me and my stupid nerve endings wrong, I ask the internet about the Tantus Stroker. The internet answered with a resounding “Meh.” The responses ranged from “really painful” to “just ok”. I could only find a single review of this product that was favorable and that was from a suspiciously sycophantic source that I don’t trust.

Unfortunately it seems that my first impressions of the Tantus Stroker reflect that of many men; for a toy that is designed to “simulate vaginal contractions”, this thing hurts.

The internal ribs are too stiff and end up pummeling my penis as it goes in and out of the Stroker. The ridges are so tight and hard that they end up acting as squeegees that funnel all of the lube to the top and bottom of the Stroker. That adds chaffing to the previous pummeling. I was not pleased.

If that weren’t bad enough, it makes a really silly noise while in use. Please see video for example.

I have read that Tantus intended this toy to be “for men who love the tight feel” (they weren’t kidding!) and that they have released an XL version. This is a step forward, but I would not know to buy the XL. My cock is certainly not XL and I would think that I needed to purchase a sleeve accordingly.

I have not lost my faith in Tantus as a company and look forward to trying their next product but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I will <i>never</i> put my penis in the Stroker again.

P.S.
It is tasteless as advertised. I licked it to be sure.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 5 out of 5 stars

Volume: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetic design: 5 out of 5 stars (it looks good for a sleeve)

Versatility: 1 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 5 out of 5 stars

Overall: 2 out of 5 stars

That’s right, Mimi drew an angry penis.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Fetish Pleasure Pad provided by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fetish Pleasure Pad is another sex toy that is technically a good idea but fails in application. Let me describe it as simply as I can. It is a soft pad with four straps and a hole in the middle. It seems like it would be frustrating to use any other dildos than the ones included because the bases would need to be of a specific size to fit through the hole. Of course, when I say “use” I mean strap said dildo wielding pad to a chair, bench, motorcycle, or whatever kind of sturdy object that you can and have fun.

Pipedream (the manufacturer) is kind enough to include two dongs (the term they use), lube and toy cleaner sample, and a blindfold in the box with the pleasure pad. The dongs are made of latex rubber and stink like you would not believe. Imagine having a condom inside your olfactory glands and then you may begin to understand. Aside from reeking, one of  the dongs is neon blue and “realistic”. The other is smaller, slimmer, and black. Both of them have very effective suction cups and will hang from a wall for days. I know that bit of information is not directly useful but I felt it was worth mentioning.

The lube is very thin but did not dry up too quickly during intercourse and seemed to work pretty well for Mimi on the dongs. We haven’t yet used the toy cleaner, so I can’t speak to how well it works.

I can’t imagine what the purpose of including a blindfold with this product could possibly be. In fact, it seems a little dangerous to me. You strap the pad to a chair, put the blindfold on, and then sexily stub your toe. Awesome.

As far as the product in use…it did not look like Mimi enjoyed it a great deal, but I’ll let her tell you about that.

It is someone’s job to design the labels of these. Think about that.

Mimi

The Shower Smoothy Dong and the Lifelike Dong that came with the Please Pad butchered any fantasy I had about this toy being sexually satisfying. It’s not because the Lifelike Dong is blue or that they’re both floppy rubber, although the material itself helped. They killed it because they smell like offensively cheap floral soap mixed with latex. Can you imagine wanting to put that inside your body?

And I don’t mean a faint smell that you only notice if you press your nose against the toy. Our bathroom, where the toys currently live, smells like those Dongs. It’s a hell of a time to run out of incense, let me tell you.

The pad itself is easy to install and clean, especially if you have a standing shower or if you’re so accustomed to washing items by hand that you could do it in your sleep. If you don’t have space to let it dry out conveniently (and discreetly), that may be reason enough not to purchase this item. There would be no mistaking what this is on a clothes line.

The suction cups, although amusing to childish hooligans like us (see photo of Dong stuck to bathroom mirror), are actually practical – they help keep the Dongs in place while you’re using them. If you can get into the Pleasure Pad, you definitely don’t want it moving on you.

Due to this simplistic design approach, I can see why someone might really enjoy the Pleasure Pad. Sure, when I was a little girl, I used to love straddling the arm of chairs, then rocking back and forth. I get the idea. But I still didn’t like this toy. Aside from having to surpass a psychological hurdle against putting a foul smelling object inside my body, the Pleasure Pad mostly felt awkward and inefficient.

We joked almost the whole time, first about the totally arbitrary “free” black eye mask, then about the positions I had to assume just for the Lifelike Dong to hit my g-spot. The Lifelike Dong is not really firm enough, and that combined with humping a wooden stool/piano bench/chair (i.e., something hard) equates to fairly high percentage of frustration. The Shower Smoothy Dong felt a little more than decent in my butt…

I guess that’s representative of my whole point, though. The Pleasure Pad is remarkably, amazingly okay. At best. Really it just made me want to attack Joseph and get it done proper. So the Pleasure Pad did create a memorable experience between myself and my fiancé, but not in the way intended.

It is hard to come up with picture ideas for every product, ok? Get off our back!

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: 2 out of 5 stars

Volume: N/A

Aesthetic design: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Versatility: 3 out of 5 stars

Ease of cleaning: 4 out of 5 stars

Overall: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!