Nookii

The Nookii Game provided for review by Tabu Toys

Mimi

Although sex is generally a very serious matter in mainstream, western culture, that’s not an entirely accurate account of sex. There’s definitely a place for humor, for play. I feel much more intimate with someone I can laugh with during sexual escapades. So in a way, it’s great that sex games can add a lot of fun to the interaction. It becomes problematic when the fun overwhelms those lustful urges. This often happens to us when we play games – until we give up on the game and do our own thing.

Nookii is a very simple game. As the title suggests, it favours coupled action, especially of the male-female sort. There are two sets of cards – one for men and one for women – within which there are three levels of arousal – mmm’s, ooh’s, and aah’s. The mmm card is a warm-up, the ooh card is meant to be fun, and the aah card is meant to seal the deal. The game comes with dice and a timer that may or may not actually work properly (ours didn’t). There’s also the worst-blindfold-that-has-ever-existed-but-your-mom-might-wear-it-if-she-likes-scarves.

The biggest problem that I see with this game is its verbosity. Imagine having to read these directions aloud to your partner:

“Stand behind me. Run your fingers through my hair, pulling it straight back behind my ears and holding it for the duration. Breathe cool breath on my right ear, applying your tongue delicately to the edges. Repeat to the left ear. Kiss my forehead an inch above the brow of my nose. Concentrate your tongue on this area in a circular motion. While still holding my hair back, kiss the tip of my nose. Tip my head further back and kiss my lips. Rub noses with mine in an ‘Eskimo’ kissing style.”

If you read them as he goes, the actions become stunted and mechanical by the interruptions of speech. If you read them ahead of time, he will more than likely forget his lengthy instructions.

Some of the lengthy directions contain parts that don’t make much sense:

“Plant delicate kisses over his face starting with his forehead and then moving down to his cheeks, nose, upper lip and chin. Place your arms around his neck and rest on his shoulder massaging him with your thumbs…”

Um. What?

I would list some other examples, if I could do so without it requiring a whole separate paragraph just to establish a context. Every single card offers lengthy, detailed, and sometimes confusing instructions. The language is part driver’s education material and part spirit animal meditation. Maybe part of my personal problem with it is that I’m not a very formal speaker when it comes to sex. In fact, sometimes I’m downright incoherent. I would like this game a lot more if the directions were less softcore robot porn and more creatively intuitive.

However, I will say that this game is good for laughs or if you’ve been a lazy lover. If you’re pretty new to sex or have a new partner, it’s not a bad way to feel out vanilla foreplay more thoroughly. We had a lot of fun playing it, even though we hated the blindfold and felt way more amused than aroused.

Joseph

This is our first review of a sex toy in a long….long time. Let’s see if we still got it.

The first thing that I noticed about the Nookii game was the ludicrously wasteful amount of packaging. All six of the decks of cards (mmm’s, ooo’s, and aah’s for male and female) were individually wrapped in plastic, the timer, the dice, and the awful scratchy scarf were also wrapped in their own plastic. Perhaps Double G. Communications, Ltd. (the manufacturer) wants everyone that orders this game to be assured that no other sweaty awkward people have touched their horrifically inaccurate timer or their inexplicably verbose playing cards.

The gameplay itself is….ridiculous. I won’t detail the mechanics again because Mimi did a good job of that but I do feel like I should give you some more of the really strange and totally unsexy wording from the cards. Keep in mind that you are supposed to read these aloud to your sexytimes partner while they attempt to obey your commanded commands.

“Get down on your knees and knead my buttocks as if they are pizza dough. Play with my breasts and enjoy my mouth, kissing me deeply. ‘OOOOOHHHH you can deliver my pizza anytime.’ “

“Take off all your clothes. Stroke my bottom in a swirling motion. Nibble my buttocks, pull my panties down and lick me in one motion from between my legs to the small of my back. Do it again. Turn me on my back. Softly tug at my pubic hair and nibble all around.”

“Place the scarf over my buttocks and starting at my outer hips, cover my cheeks with kisses. Keeping the scarf in place use your tongue like a snake interspersing with licks and flicks. Pull my trousers down to my ankles and open my legs further, pushing my cheeks together as you do so. Kiss and nuzzle the space between my cheeks.”

They just go on and on like that. Also, there are an awful lot of cards that command you to place your nose or mouth in between your partner’s butt cheeks. Not sure what that is about. Mimi and I are pretty open but we agree that nosing the poo-hole is not our thing.

Aside from the everything that is wrong with the game, it slightly annoyed me that it is very clearly only intended to be played by a man and a women. I know that it is ok for games to exist that are only for heterosexual couples just as it is ok for games to exist that are only for homosexual couples. Having said that, it bothers me that Nookii  gives no indication that it is set up that way from the box. I could see a homosexual couple purchasing the game and then being quite disappointed that the gameplay is set up in such a way that excludes them. Of course, playing the game is just as disappointing – ZING!

Mimi and I had fun while we were playing it but not because the game itself is fun or well crafted. We had fun because we have fun doing almost everything. We were laughing at the game. Not with it.

After we played we immediately started brainstorming ways to make the game actually fun. What we really came up with were ways to use the stupid cards. Leave them in addition to the tip at a restaurant, stick them up at bus stops, leave them in the suggestion box at McDonald’s, and (of course) mail them to congressmen.

The Naked Truth

Entertainment Value: ★☆☆☆☆

Aesthetics: ★★★☆☆

Craftsmanship: ★★☆☆☆

Functionality: ★☆☆☆☆

“Great service!”

Review: Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet

Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet provided for review by Tabu Toys

Mimi

The Xtreme Pack Mimi G-spot Bullet is a brightly coloured green and purple with flashing red lights, a toy reminiscent of a handheld video game system, minus the PEW-PEW shooting noise. It really does seem like a toy.

But the Xtreme Pack means business. The 2.25″ x 1″ bullet vibrator plugs into a plastic and rubber controller with buttons to increase intensity, change the setting, or turn it off. As you increase the intensity, red lights appear or disappear in a crescent across the controller. The controller is pretty easy and straight-forward. You can handily rest it on your chest while masturbating, changing the settings periodically with ease. The bullet itself is designed with a curve at the end to stimulate the g-spot, but it also works well for stimulating the clit. It takes two AA batteries, which are not included.

I didn’t really enjoy it inside me, regardless of the setting or intensity. It just felt like my pelvis was vibrating and I really didn’t feel like it was assisting me in any way. Most of its use has been external, against my clit. I varied my use between the tip and the wider backside of the bullet. If you’ve never used a bullet vibrator before, you should know that as you are holding the bullet, you can feel all of the vibration in your fingers. As you make the bullet vibrate more intensely, the sensation may become distracting in your fingers. Some women experience this, some women don’t or they get used to it. At first it irritated me (as it does with every new bullet I try), but eventually I got used to it.

Although I did not reach orgasm on even the highest setting, I do believe that if I were not on medication at this time, it would have been more likely to happen. Or if I wasn’t so stressed out. In other words, if your body is not giving you the silent treatment like mine is, you’d probably get more out of the Xtreme Pack. Due to the fact that this vibrator takes AA batteries, its intensity and power can only reach so high. It does not compare to a plug-in or a rechargeable vibrator. So even though it calls itself “Xtreme”, it’s really not. The Xtreme Pack is kind of in a grey area for me, a middle ground where I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either and it therefore becomes best explained with a shrug.

What you can’t see is that those lights blink like an epileptic nightmare.

Joseph

I have no problem with the concept or actual use of this product. A G-spot bullet on a long cord attached to a very easy to use control panel. It has 5 speed and 7 settings. That’s cool. It is pretty powerful for what it is and the materials are not great but they are not awful.  There is not really anything inherently wrong with this product. However….

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE COLOR CHOICES AND THE NAME? Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet? Seriously? What makes it xtreme (extreme even) and why is it neon green and purple. Is the target market 12 year old boys?

The confounding color choices, the name, and the fact that the package claims that this product has a “soft rubber cote” leads me to believe that  the marketing people were drunk when they approved this one. Or maybe they had been watching too many Mountain Dew commercials…

Hey Joseph, what’s a cote?

That’s a very good question. I’ll tell ya what a cote is. A small shelter for domestic animals (as sheep or pigeons). Yep. Don’t believe me? Look.

I could understand this screw up if the producer was a Japanese sex toy company. They have a notioursly hard time translating. Guess who the manufacturer is. Freaking Cal Exotics. From California.

I’ll wrap this post up with a call to action.

Why not write Cal Exotics and ask them how they managed to cover your sex toy with a soft rubber shelter for domestic animals?

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: ★★★★★

Intensity:  ★★★★☆

Volume: ★★☆☆☆

Ease of Cleaning: ★★★★☆

Functionality: ★★★★☆

Overall: ★★★½☆

So EXTREME they had to remove the first E from Mimi & Joseph on Vimeo.

Fleshlight Ice

case and slug frontslug

The Fleshlight Ice provided for review by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fleshlight Ice is a modern wonder of fake vagina technology. It is by far the best non-animate thing that I’ve ever had the pleasure of sticking my dick in. It is one of the many variations on the original Fleshlight.

If you’re reading this, I assume that you are familiar with what a Fleshlight is. If not, head on over to their website and browse around a bit. I guess if you’re too lazy for that, I’ll explain. To oversimplify, it is a tube made of Superskin (which feels much like super soft silicone) housed inside a hard plastic case.

The Fleshlight Ice is a variation on the original that is clear. The idea there is that you can see your wang move in and out of the sleeve. It is actually kinda cool.

One of the features of the Fleshlight is the variation available for the inside of the sleeve. Again, if you’re interested you can learn more about this on the Fleshlight website. The particular model that we were sent has the “speed bump” interior which has hundreds of soft beads lining the inside of the sleeve.

The Fleshlight arrives powdered and the instructions inform you that you can re-powder it with corn starch to achieve a silky smooth feeling. This is a bit perplexing to me because the instructions also recommend that you soak the sleeve in hot water until it is comfortably warm…which washes off all the powder. That’s just a waste of corn starch.

Without powder, the sleeve is hella sticky. This can be somewhat unpleasant and annoying when taking it out of the case or trying to put it back in. It will stick to the inside of the case and bunch up in an obnoxious manner if you’re not careful. Replacing the sleeve can feel a bit like Operation. Thankfully it does not make that god awful buzzing noise when you mess up.

The stickiness is not really an issue when you are using the Fleshlight though. This is because of that wonderful and indispensible substance known as lube. Seeing as the Fleshlight does not produce its own lubrication, it is necessary to lube yourself or the sleeve before use.

When properly lubed, it feels freaking fantastic. The hard outer case serves to keep the canal of the sleeve nice and tight while in use and there is an adjustable valve at the end that allows you to restrict the airflow which causes various levels of suction. The case is also useful because it allows you to cram the Fleshlight into things for hands free use. They sell furniture with Fleshlight sized holes in them (which I imagine are quite the conversational piece) but I’ve found that stuffing it in between the mattress and box springs works just fine.

The only real problem that I have with the way it feels is that the speed bumps make the sensation so intense that it is over rather quickly. Yup, it makes me come really quickly. I suppose that it could be argued that the whole point of a masturbation sleeve is to make you come but the buildup is a big part of the fun. It is no coincidence that this model is the one that they sell as a stamina builder.

After you’re done building your stamina comes the cleaning. You need to take the sleeve out of the case, wash the come out of it, let it dry and then put it back in the case. Easy, right? No.

The washing out part is pretty simple but the drying is quite the pain in the ass. You have to let it sit for at least a couple of hours and then turn it inside out and repeat. I know, letting something sit is not that hard, but take into consideration that you have to leave this giant translucent slug out in the open for a minimum of four hours. Not very discrete.

Cleaning issues aside, this is hands down the best masturbation sleeve that I’ve encountered. Cleaning issues considered, it only very narrowly passes the almighty Is It Worth It test but it does pass the test.

inside out inside out2

Lookit them bumps!

Mimi

I know that some people turn masturbation sleeves into a partnered event, but I’m not really inclined to do that. I’m likely to get distracted and start blowing him instead or giggling or thinking about egg salad. (Every now and then I crave… things.) Now that I’ve loosely explained my cognitive and psychological deficiencies, I’m sure it’s unnecessary for me to elaborate extensively on the fact that there isn’t much I can say about the Fleshlight Ice. Since Joseph won’t let me say HUZZAH and be done with it, I will add a few little notes from my perspective:

Fleshlight Ice is pretty classy looking as far as masturbation sleeves go; in fact, I’m the one who wanted it for him and it wasn’t my sadism kicking in, either. Had I not selected it for him and I were to find it drying in the bathroom, I would not be disgusted. Amused, yes. Wondering how often he masturbates, yes. Fingering it, yes. Trying to come up with an appropriate chick name for it, yes. Inclined to throw it at a wall near his head and laugh as it sticks for a moment before sliding down, yes. Disgust or shame does not enter the equation anywhere.

Oh, and you will definitely find it in the bathroom unless there’s a special section in a cabinet that it can dry in. A little Fleshlight Ice loft, so to speak. It takes a while to dry thoroughly and unless you think mildew is sexy, you need to give it enough time. Depending on how often you masturbate… well, you get me. Planning may be involved. If family is coming over for dinner, maybe you should wait for your little rendezvous with the Fleshlight Ice until the coast is clear.

Based on what I’ve read, the Fleshlight Ice is worth every dime because not only does it feel fantastic, it’s also made with quality materials that will last a long time provided that this luxury toy is cared for properly. In sum, it is a pretty swank sex toy.

HUZZAH!

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: ★★★★☆

Ease of Cleaning: ★★☆☆☆

Intensity: ★★★★★

Functionality: ★★★★★

Overall: ★★★★★