Dear Mimi – Casual Sex

This new section is called Dear Mimi and it is meant to function in mainly two ways:

  1. Advice column – about sex, relationships, writing, starting a blog, sex toys, BDSM, LGBTQ, website related crap (which will actually be Joseph responding since me and technology are not friends yet),  porn, disability, etc.
  2. Get to know your beloved sex blogger – about… me! Oh, and Joseph. You can tell a lot about us through our blog, but if you have any other questions, this is the place for them.

I want to remind our readers that we are not experts. Like so many other voices on the internet, we are individuals with opinions and knowledge that intermingle, and we present our perspective based on that intermingling. We read, we observe, we research, we ask questions, we experience, we reflect, we think – but we are not professionals or experts. (In fact, it’s our general experience that even people who are called such should be handled with a degree of suspicion and/or inquiry.)

As such, all medical inquiries should be addressed to a medical professional, preferably more than one. Also, if I believe your answer is out of my capable hands, I’ll provide you with some links for further research, but I recommend doing so on your own as well. I cannot possibly provide you with everything. I am one person and thus represent one vantage point. If you want to ask Joseph or one of our guest reviewers a question, you can address it to them. It will still appear in this column with their input.

When it comes to personal or fun questions about us, I reserve the right to answer or ignore at my own free will; however, I will always attempt to address matters that I feel may be helpful to a wider audience. Thus, if you send me offensive nonsense, I will probably ignore it outright. And if I think it’s a little too invasive on the intimacy between myself and my husband, I’ll politely decline.

You can sign your actual names, if you want, but I suggest a pseudonym. The question posed below was actually said to me in person, so I just filled in a “name”, knowing he’d prefer total anonymity.

Dear Mimi,

I want to have a non-committal sexual relationship with this girl and I’ve told her I don’t want to date anyone right now, which she says is fine but I don’t believe she means it. She just seems to act like eventually I’ll change my mind. Is it wrong if I sleep with her anyway? How can I get her to understand my position or be more honest about hers?

- Not tryin to be a dick

Dear Not tryin to be a dick,

The boundary between dating and casual sex can be really blurry and uncertain, especially because people sometimes change their minds over time. We depend on various modes of communication to be able to distinguish where we are in a relationship. The fact that you’ve told her what you want is a really great thing and I’m sure people who have been misled everywhere can appreciate your decision. You cannot control her level of self-awareness, but you can be diligent about your own. Were you clear? Did you make it sound like you might change your mind? Were you trying to be polite, but instead it came across as instilling hope in her mind? You need to ask yourself more questions and then you need to bring your thoughts to her to discuss. First and foremost, you need to secure an inner dialog that can extend to the other person (or persons) involved. Honest communication is key.

I’ve been in this situation before – a man I was sleeping with would not believe that I only wanted casual sex. He kept talking about us as though we were dating, and eventually it left him feeling really bitter because I never changed my mind about our status. I knew – on some level – that he wasn’t capable of maintaining the relationship I wanted. But I slept with him anyway, deciding that we’re all responsible for ourselves. I’ve been honest with everyone involved, he hasn’t even been honest with himself. That’s not my problem.

That’s also a very cold way to go about this, especially if you want to be friends or share mutual friends. I would recommend not having sex with her until you feel confident in the mutuality of desire for non-commitment. She may feel slighted at the rejection, but if she’s worth her weight in pudding, she’ll respect you more for it. And you’ll respect yourself knowing that you’re not being a dick.

Have a question for Mimi? Send it here.