Dildo Buying Guide

With all the easily accessible resources online for sex toys, such as She Bop and Vibrations Direct, as well as the amount of options, it can be really overwhelming to decide what dildo to buy, especially if it’s your first time buying. In an effort to make this experience less daunting and potentially disappointing, we’ve put together a short guide.

First of all, I would encourage you to try to keep an open mind and be patient with your body. You may not really know what kind of stimulation you want. That’s okay! And if you buy something that doesn’t immediately knock your socks off, that’s okay, too. Often new toys take some getting used to, some experimentation.

Budget

You know the saying, “you get what you pay for”? That’s definitely true of most sex toys. Be prepared to spend at least $40, give or take a few bucks. Depending on your budget, this may seem like a lot to spend on stiff object to stick in your holes, but it’s totally worth it to get a good quality sex toy that you won’t need to turn around and replace in a few months. Also, these toys tend to be made of materials that you can sterilize, making them versatile and safe for continued use. There are exceptions, of course, but approach with some skepticism.

Aesthetics

Visual attractiveness is not always indicative of a product you’ll love — the Hitachi Magic Wand and the Eroscillator come to mind — but it helps if you find your soon-to-be sex toy appealing. Look over your options and try to pin down what you immediately find attractive. Do you find yourself turned on by the realistic, flesh-toned dildos? Do you prefer the dildos that look more geometric and colorful? Or perhaps some version in between? Does a certain texture look sensationally interesting? I wouldn’t pick a dildo on aesthetic alone, but it certainly helps to be aware of what you find attractive.

Size / Shape

Just as preferences for style vary, so do preferences for size or shape. Some dildos are long yet slender, others are short and wide. There are many variations. It’s probably not wise to select a particularly large or wide dildo if this is your first one, just because you may find yourself unable to use the dildo pleasurably. However, depending on your sexual experience, you may know that you prefer smaller or larger than “average” sizes.

Functionality

It’s really important to consider what functions you want this dildo to serve. Do you want it to vibrate? If so, obviously you’ll want a dildo that vibrates. Do you want it to be able to stimulate your g-spot or prostate? If so, then you want to look for a curved dildo with a bulbous tip. If you want to be able to use the dildo anally, without a condom, or possibly share it with partners, then you should buy one that is made of 100% silicone*, glass, or aluminum. These materials can be boiled in between uses to sterilize the dildo. Also, in the case of anal insertion, please look for a dildo with a wide base, such as the Tantus Curve. (You wouldn’t want to lose anything in there!)

There you have it. The basics. I hope this little guide helps you decide on which dildo to buy. Remember to keep an open mind, trust your own desires, and read product descriptions thoroughly for dimensions and material information. Happy hunting!


*Silicone toys need to be used exclusively with water-based lubricants. Silicone lubricants will destroy silicone toys.

Fetish Pleasure Pad

A tale of two dongs

Fetish Pleasure Pad provided by Tabu Toys

Joseph

The Fetish Pleasure Pad is another sex toy that is technically a good idea but fails in application. Let me describe it as simply as I can. It is a soft pad with four straps and a hole in the middle. It seems like it would be frustrating to use any other dildos than the ones included because the bases would need to be of a specific size to fit through the hole. Of course, when I say “use” I mean strap said dildo wielding pad to a chair, bench, motorcycle, or whatever kind of sturdy object that you can and have fun.

Pipedream (the manufacturer) is kind enough to include two dongs (the term they use), lube and toy cleaner sample, and a blindfold in the box with the pleasure pad. The dongs are made of latex rubber and stink like you would not believe. Imagine having a condom inside your olfactory glands and then you may begin to understand. Aside from reeking, one of  the dongs is neon blue and “realistic”. The other is smaller, slimmer, and black. Both of them have very effective suction cups and will hang from a wall for days. I know that bit of information is not directly useful but I felt it was worth mentioning.

The lube is very thin but did not dry up too quickly during intercourse and seemed to work pretty well for Mimi on the dongs. We haven’t yet used the toy cleaner, so I can’t speak to how well it works.

I can’t imagine what the purpose of including a blindfold with this product could possibly be. In fact, it seems a little dangerous to me. You strap the pad to a chair, put the blindfold on, and then sexily stub your toe. Awesome.

As far as the product in use…it did not look like Mimi enjoyed it a great deal, but I’ll let her tell you about that.

Ze Wet Stuff

It is someone’s job to design the labels of these. Think about that.

Mimi

The Shower Smoothy Dong and the Lifelike Dong that came with the Please Pad butchered any fantasy I had about this toy being sexually satisfying. It’s not because the Lifelike Dong is blue or that they’re both floppy rubber, although the material itself helped. They killed it because they smell like offensively cheap floral soap mixed with latex. Can you imagine wanting to put that inside your body?

And I don’t mean a faint smell that you only notice if you press your nose against the toy. Our bathroom, where the toys currently live, smells like those Dongs. It’s a hell of a time to run out of incense, let me tell you.

The pad itself is easy to install and clean, especially if you have a standing shower or if you’re so accustomed to washing items by hand that you could do it in your sleep. If you don’t have space to let it dry out conveniently (and discreetly), that may be reason enough not to purchase this item. There would be no mistaking what this is on a clothes line.

The suction cups, although amusing to childish hooligans like us (see photo of Dong stuck to bathroom mirror), are actually practical – they help keep the Dongs in place while you’re using them. If you can get into the Pleasure Pad, you definitely don’t want it moving on you.

Due to this simplistic design approach, I can see why someone might really enjoy the Pleasure Pad. Sure, when I was a little girl, I used to love straddling the arm of chairs, then rocking back and forth. I get the idea. But I still didn’t like this toy. Aside from having to surpass a psychological hurdle against putting a foul smelling object inside my body, the Pleasure Pad mostly felt awkward and inefficient.

We joked almost the whole time, first about the totally arbitrary “free” black eye mask, then about the positions I had to assume just for the Lifelike Dong to hit my g-spot. The Lifelike Dong is not really firm enough, and that combined with humping a wooden stool/piano bench/chair (i.e., something hard) equates to fairly high percentage of frustration. The Shower Smoothy Dong felt a little more than decent in my butt…

I guess that’s representative of my whole point, though. The Pleasure Pad is remarkably, amazingly okay. At best. Really it just made me want to attack Joseph and get it done proper. So the Pleasure Pad did create a memorable experience between myself and my fiancé, but not in the way intended.

PleasurePadMonster

It is hard to come up with picture ideas for every product, ok? Get off our back!

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: ★★☆☆☆

Volume: N/A

Aesthetic design: ★★½☆☆

Versatility: ★★★☆☆

Ease of cleaning: ★★★★☆

Overall: ★★½☆☆