I have always been embarrassingly heterosexual.

I can’t help it, I just have no attraction whatsoever to men. I can appreciate a physically attractive man or a man with a charming wit and warm personality, but I have no desire to do anything beyond appreciate.

I think of this as a problem. Viewing Mimi’s pansexuality only makes things worse. Good grief, it is unfair. She is attracted to all people regardless of sex. Dudes, ladies, dykes, femmes, bois, transsexuals, pre-op, post-op, all of it! And I am only really attracted to women that resemble women.

The way I see it, I’m missing out on a whole lot of feeling and potential experience. It’s not like my sexual attraction to women is exponentially stronger than someone attracted to all sexes because I am only attracted to the one. It just means that I am missing out on all the others.

Let me post an exchange about porn star James Deen between Epiphora and Mimi from Twitter the other night as an illustration:

Epiphora – This discovery makes me happy: http://bit.ly/R88BV

undressedreview – @Epiphora He’s actually pretty attractive. Like, a lot.

Epiphora – @undressedreview Hence looking for scenes with him in them and whichever semi-attractive chick I can find.

undressedreview – @Epiphora I approve. Excellent idea. I’m kind of turned off by a lot of guys in porn, but he is… yes.

I looked at his pic and thought “That guy looks like he smells like weed.” I’m not saying that James Deen would necessarily do it for me, but NO GUY does it for me and it seems like a shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being anything other than heterosexual is easy in this society. Men being attracted to other men is no joking matter in mainstream America. Because of the closed way that men are taught to think about sexuality and the systematic vilification of homosexuality, being attracted to the same sex can make your life hell in this country. I understand this. So please don’t think that I envision those with wider sexual preferences than mine as living in a sex-crazed state of euphoria. I just think that being attracted to more would open more vistas to me.

Sure, I’ve tried to be attracted to men. I do it all the time. I look at people and I think “He’s a good-lookin guy…I could…do sex stuff with him…” My heart (wang) just isn’t in it. I think I probably could have sex with a man. I could become aroused by the experience alone and probably have a decent time…I just wouldn’t be enjoying it because of the man per se. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

My feelings about limited preference being detrimental are not limited to sexuality. I feel the same way about NASCAR, professional wrestling, country music, M.I.A., the artwork of Gustav Klimt, and eggplants.

-Joseph

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Crashpadseries.com Volume 3 provided by Blowfish

Joseph

In case you don’t know, The Crash Pad Series is based upon Shine Louise Houston’s 2006 debut film of the same name. The crash pad is a place where dykes and femmes alike can go to have uninhibited sex. Unfortunately I have not seen the The Crash Pad itself, but if it is anything like the series based on it, it is HOT.

The DVD that Blowfish sent us is a collection of episodes from the website. From the looks of it, that’s how these collections are offered; four or five episodes per DVD. Volume three features some performers that are quickly becoming favorites of mine: Dallas, Shawn (Syd Blakovich), Dylan Ryan, Princess Donna, Jake, Lorelei Lee, Billy Jack Gunn, Paul Gunn, Red, and Javier.

If you’ve been reading the site or following Houston’s work, you’ll recognize several of those names. Houston has a tendency to use familiar performers (I don’t really feel comfortable calling them actors because they are not acting in even the traditional porn sense. The people in Houston’s films are not pretending to have hot, enjoyable sex – they are) in her productions, which is fine since she has such stellar performers.

This particular installation of the Crash Pad Series involves deep throating, squirting, the fabulous Hitachi Magic Wand, and lots of authentic queer sex. I don’t have any complaints about this collection. None. I personally was not turned on by the scene between “cousins” Billy Jack Gunn and Paul Gunn because my sexual tendencies are unwaveringly hetero and those two look too much like biological men to do anything for me.

The particular copy that was sent to us has some issues with the sound being out of sync in a couple of spots. It was minimal in the beginning but by the last scene (Red and Javier) it was completely incongruous. I sent Blowfish and email to see if this was an artistic choice of Houston’s that I didn’t get or a simple defect but at the time of this writing, I have received no response.

If you don’t want to wait for a DVD to be shipped to you just go to http://www.crashpadseries.com where you can view any of the episodes (there are more online than offered on the individual DVDs.

Mimi

I have a lot of respect for Shine Louise Houston’s work so when it came time to watch CrashPadSeries.com Volume 3, I was really excited and my expectations were high, which is a pleasant shift from the usual. (I’m not a huge fan of porn, which is often boring, stifling regurgitations of sexuality and beauty to me. At best, it’s a good laugh.) I was not disappointed. I enjoyed every scene of this DVD, which I have not been able to say about any other porn thus far.

Whoa shit.
Whoa shit, indeed.

In episode 16, Dylan Ryan enters the crash pad, but instead of trying to join Dallas and Shawn, she hides nearby. While Shawn ties Dallas up to a chair, sucks Dallas’ strap-on cock, and then proceeds to fuck herself silly, Dylan Ryan is sneaking glances, biting her lip, obviously aroused. Eventually Shawn and Dallas move to the bed and continue to pleasure themselves and each other. I really enjoyed the chemistry between these two. They appeared to have a lot of fun.

In episode 17, Dylan Ryan comes out of hiding after Shawn and Dallas leave. She throws herself down on the bed, smiling and burying her face into the vibrant red pillows and sheets. Watching her writhe and inhale the scent of Shawn and Dallas’ sexual encounter is really arousing, perhaps even more so than when she actually strips and masturbates. It may be more of a personal thing than anything else, but entering the mindset of the voyeur, entering the fantasy of unknown bodies and personalities – the way she pulled the sheet between her legs, thrust her hips toward the bed, inhaled deeply, and smiled so big – is a huge turn-on.

That’s what I need. Honest arousal. Honest reaction.

Joseph didn’t seem to enjoy Episode 15 with Billy Jack and Paul quite as much, for reasons rather obvious, and we ended up talking more throughout its duration. We talked a lot about gender identification, bisexuality, pansexuality, and considered our relative ignorance when it comes to various lifestyles. For example, I trip over terminology quite a lot because I want to be respectful. It’s hard when everyone has personal preferences that may not be clear. Houston’s porn films are especially challenging, and I think she would probably smile if she heard me say so.

Despite the distraction of our talk, I found this scene just as arousing as the others. Aside from a little initial awkwardness, both performers seemed to forget that a camera was even there. They just did their thing and their thing was hot. (Also, how great is it that Paul Gunn has a “pussyboy” tattoo?)

In episode 21, Lorelei Lee enters the crash pad to find Donna and Jake ready to fuck, and she’s not so sure at first, but quickly convinced! (If only I had the powers of persuasion that Donna has…) This part of the scene was really annoying because the sound was a bit off; however, the three of them really made up for it. Lorelei Lee, god bless her, didn’t make constant obnoxious goat noises like she did in Superfreak. Jake was quiet, reserved, and yet really involved in significant ways. Donna, of course, dominated most of the actions in the scene. All three of them seemed really into it (when Lorelei Lee and Donna are making prolonged eye contact later in the scene, it’s pretty intense), yet joked and laughed occasionally.

Last but not least, episode 19 with Red and Javier was, sadly, hard to watch because of the sound disturbances. And you can watch it muted, like we did, but…. it’s not the same. Red and Javier are really sexy performers – I liked watching them even without sound. Red can wear a strap-on and bend me over anytime she’d like.

As always with Houston’s films, she places emphasis on safer sex practices, which I find really appealing in porn. Also, despite the reoccurrence of performers, there’s something really “fresh” about their presence. Perhaps it’s the scenery, the camera angles, the tone, the personal interactions between performers. You just know that it’s going to be sexy and authentic, yet light-hearted and fun. Perfect.

The Naked Truth:

Aesthetics:

Level of Arousal:

Educational Value: N/A

Storyline:

Overall:

There is no Crash Pad where we live, but we do have a shed…

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Champion provided by Blowfish

Mimi

When we first received Shine Louise Houston’s Champion in the mail, we debated on whether or not it was actually porn because there is not one single finger going into anyone’s vagina anywhere on the cover. We hadn’t seen any of Houston’s films yet and joked in our ignorance, “Perhaps she’s trying to make a real movie and it will be the most painful display of acting ever seen.” Such movies are watched only with whiskey.

Naturally, we put it off for the right time and meanwhile we watched Houston’s older film, Superfreak, which made it crystal clear to us that Houston is someone to take seriously. Serious in the respectable sense, not in the sit in the dark alone and listen to Sarah McLachlan sense. There is an excellent balance of playfulness and hardcore eroticism in Houston’s work. It’s refreshing, really.

Champion is full of talented, sexy, charming performers such as Syd Blakovich (she has a great website), Jiz Lee, Javier, Dallas, Madison Young and Dylan Ryan. Syd Blakovich plays Jessie Eaton, a cold son of a bitch making her way into women’s professional Mixed Martial Arts, as well into the pants of various individuals. It backfires when her old nemesis, Bobby Malone (Javier), punishes Jessie for having sex with Bobby’s girl through blackmail. While Jessie is trying to decide what to do about it, she is also dealing with her sexual attraction to Violet Vahn (Dallas), her opponent in and out of the ring. Of course, this being porn, they end up fucking.  One can’t let hairy pussy go to waste.

There was not one single scene in Champion that I didn’t like, and any complaint I could muster up would be really minor. Not even worth mentioning. Houston has a great deal of talent to begin with, but it’s obvious comparing Champion to her older work that a lot of the awkwardness has been refined. In between loving Jiz Lee’s beautiful face in ecstasy and watching Dylan Ryan squirt, I spent a fair amount of time during the film admiring the camera angles or the naturalness of the lighting.

It’s true that this film is more like a “real” movie than your standard fair porno, but it didn’t ever leave me feeling bored or miserably hoping that the acting scene would end soon so the sex can commence. While Jessie is at the gym or watching a recorded fight in preparation for her match, there’s another sex scene going on simultaneously.  A working visual balance is created that carries through a sophisticated level of eroticism.

Champion is sophisticated because it acknowledges complexity within gender and sex, yet maintains a sense of humor and humanity. It’s not glamorized bullshit, it’s just fucking hot. Period.

Joseph

Mimi already covered almost everything that I had in mind to say about this film. It was well made, the stars were hot and the chemistry was real. As if that wasn’t enough, there was enough of a plot to give you some investment with the characters that you are watching have hardcore sex.

For me personally, the connection is what made every scene (except for Madison Young’s) go from hot to stellar. Even though the connection with the characters is somewhat cursory, it is very real and I think  Houston understands that giving that sort of depth will make us hot in our minds as well as our dirty bits.

The superb camera work and lighting choices even prevented Young from ruining the scene that she was in. While all of the other actors seemed to have real chemistry with one another and looked like they were genuinely enjoying themselves, Young is not convincing. It is almost like she watched some mainstream porn and then decided to take those traits into the queer porn world. Fake noises and all. I apologize, I know my problem with Young must be getting old by now. Maybe if I hadn’t watched Bride of Sin first, I wouldn’t loathe seeing her so much. She is hot, I’ll give her that.

I’m glad that Houston makes cameos in her films. I liked seeing her as the ghost of Rick James in Superfreak and she appears in Champion as the world’s most meek reporter. It is always nice to put a face with a piece of work and her perpetual small roles almost strike me as a signature. I look forward to watching The Crash Pad and seeing how she will put herself in that series.

I am really happy with the gender role blurring, power dynamic swapping, queer porn we have been watching. Because of the expert way that Houston handles these films,  I would be very interested to see what  Houston  would do with a hetero-oriented film. She does such masterful work playing with and setting up masculine dynamics within her queer films, I would love to see how she handles directing biological males. Perhaps one day…

She said “chocolate?” -I said “No.”- She said POW!

The Naked Truth:

Aesthetics:

Level of Arousal:

Educational Value: N/A

Storyline:

Overall:

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!