Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and we have the perfect gift for your sweetie (s).

Handmade raunchy Valentine’s Day Cards!

They are $2 only (just like the chips) and will get you way more than $2 in bootie!

The chips are full of processed crap. Our cards are full of love.

Just in case you are a visual or auditory learner, we’ll include this video reminder:

No, seriously…buy some cards.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

As you may or may not have noticed, we have a big effing display for our Etsy shop over here —>

The main thing inside that shop right now are our new line of V-Day cards. We made these ourselves using only a fancy scanner/printer, glue, some paper, and our oh-so-sexy brains.

Because we love each and every one of you, we want to give out a few of these babies!

So — straight to it.

What you’ll win:

1st prize – Three of our ultra premium Valentine’s Day Cards of your choosing and a one of a kind love haiku written by Joseph!

runner up – One of our ultra premium Valentine’s Day Cards of your choosing and a one of a kind small drawing by Mimi!

Ways to Enter:

{2 entries}

Follow us and retweet this: @undressedreview is giving away their VD (cards) – http://bit.ly/4qVXCD

One retweeting per day will count for you. More is annoying.

{1 entry}

Comment on this post with why you need these cards. Do you need to win the heart and sex of someone with a sense of humor? Tell us about it.

Maximum of one entry for comments.

The amount of entries will be counted up and the person with the most by the end of January 31st will win the fabulous prize!

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

To entice you further, we’ve made this commercial with our total lack of technical skills and budget (note Monopoly money and Joseph wearing one of my coats).* Watch and enjoy!

Now, don’t you want to give your lover or friend a card that’s sure to make them smile, blush or undress? Or all of the above? Yes? Damn right YES. Even if you hate Valentine’s Day, we’ve got cards for you. ‘Cause we hate it, too! Hooray!

If nothing else, help a brother out. We obviously need it. I didn’t even have to make Joseph do that. He changed his name to Joseph McSkeezball and he’s been harassing people in parking lots…. it’s a shame, really… it’s only a matter of time before he cuts his pants into shorts and forgets to zip up his fly and loses any concept of personal space. And you know what that means. Unwanted dick exposure. I mean, I want it, but does everyone? I don’t know. Surely the po-po’s don’t. Your grandmom probably wouldn’t like it either. Let’s keep him off the streets and out of jail.

Joking aside, check it out and in the very least let us know what you think. This is our first run and we’ve put it all together on our own, so some advice or constructive criticism would be appreciated. Of course, compliments are best received in the form of cash. Just sayin’.

* A good friend helped us out with the filming and we appreciate it immensely. It would have sucked a whole lot if she were any less cool. She gets a free Scat! card. Whooooo.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

The best screw up is Dr. Ruthie:

Oh goodness, where to start?

There was the time that I was demonstrating a condom at a safer sex workshop, and to show how much it stretches I rolled it over my hand and spread my fingers. Too bad I didn’t trim my nails first! Of course, it broke and my little demo failed miserably. Now I stick to putting them on dildos, inflating them or rolling them down my fist.

Or how about the time a little kid burst into a private pleasure workshop for moms, grabbed my big, plushy vulva puppet and hugged it to her face while cooing “prrrrrretty!” I’m not sure who screwed up there, but it was certainly funny!

Perhaps the best one is a classic. It wasn’t so much the wrong person, but the wrong time. With a huge snow storm outside and the dorm room to ourselves, we decided to try a little light bondage and then add in some cherry sauce, chocolate, etc. Of course, someone pulled the fire alarm and the RA insisted that we vacate the room immediately. There he and I stood in the snow, both wearing pastel bathrobes, flip flops and ice cream toppings, and him with some bits of rope still attached to his limbs…. shivering away while our friends laughed! I’m proud to say that we marched bravely back to the room afterward and continued where we left off.

That sounds like a deliciously embarrassing time!

Thanks again to Tabu Toys and all those who entered and good luck on our next not arbitrary contest.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

365 Reasons to Have Sex 2010 Calendar provided for review by Babeland

Mimi

365 Reasons to Have Sex Calendar

It sounds silly, so bear with me here, but I’m really particular about calendars. I mean, you are committed to using this calendar for an entire year to suit all of your time organizational needs – and to look appealing. Or make you giggle.

The 365 Reasons to Have Sex Calendar that we received from Babeland for review is stylishly put together and as I flipped through its pages, it did in fact make me giggle a few times. I’m not even a fan of the page-a-day calendar (you cannot really plan ahead with these calendars), but I am still pretty jazzed to have this on our desk.

Why? Well, it’s amusing. For each day you get a reason to have sex, “prep for sexcess” – which includes “The Pickup [line]” and “The Wisdom” – and the whole right side of the page is devoted to communicating with your partner how bad you want it, where, when, whether he or she should bring anything, and some more incentive points (“The kids won’t hear us.”). I always enjoy an excuse to leave Joseph a dirty message. This calendar gives me an excuse and a place to do it. Every. Beautiful. Glorious. Day. Of. 2010.

Eff yes.

A few reasons I especially enjoy:

“I’m freshly shaved.”

“The supply closet is unlocked.”

“I want to break in my new car.”

“Simon says.”

Joseph

Mimi is right. It is really silly to be particular about calendars.

She’s also right that this one kicks ass.

The Naked Truth

Entertainment Value: 5 out of 5 stars

Aesthetics: 5 out of 5 stars

Functionality: 5 out of 5 stars

Ease of Cleaning: N/A

Overall: 5 out of 5 stars

“Pussy is a good resolution, too.” What does that even mean? My wife is so crass.

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!

Shine Louise Houston’s Superfreak provided by Blowfish

Joseph

In non-porn movies there are several levels; good, okay, bad, and so-bad-it-is-good. Although I think that almost all porn is bad, I thought that Superfreak would be a so-bad-it-is-good porn.

It starts off with our pal Madison Young pretending to masturbate (badly) at home. Then the main and only plot device comes into the room: The ghost of Rick James. Said ghost dives into Young and, possessed by the funky spirit of James, she pulls out her trusty Hitachi Wand and masturbates for real. Watching Young please herself is much more enjoyable than watching her pretend to please herself or watching her speak.

Once Young has vibed and shaken herself silly, she puts on some clothes and goes to a party. At said party, Young immediately approaches Dylan Rion and says a wonderful pickup line, “It’s a good thing I brought my library card cause I’m checking you out.” Based on Rion’s reaction, I am glad I’ve never used this line. Rion proceeds to fuck Young in a room full of people. How rude.

This scene has some very hot moments but it also has some very awkward camera angles. The awkward camera angles are in every scene of Superfreak and never stop being perplexing. After the two are done fucking in the corner, James exits Young in search of a less spent host which he finds in Guy Handful who is arguing in the bathroom with Rozen.

However, because the film is anachronistic, we see James enter Shawn in the kitchen before we see Handful and Rozen. Shawn finds Vasa right after she is done pissing in the kitchen sink because the bathroom was taken (we see why later, yowza) but this does not deter Shawn in the least. She takes a mouthful of water, sprays it into Vasa’s pussy and then immediately goes to town. What follows is in my opinion the hottest scene in the movie. I say this not only because Vasa is super cute, but because the chemistry between Vasa and Shawn seems very natural (we learn in the behind the scenes that they are a couple in real life) and the sexuality portrayed is very raw and powerful.

After that hotness is over, we get to see what was going on in the bathroom with Handful and Rozen. They were arguing. But then James came in and with his supernatural superfreak supercharm ended the argument with one sentence. “Less talking, more fucking.” And there was. Rozen’s intense pleasure convulsions and wails really make this scene. Though, it makes her look like the one that is possessed.

Next we see Dana DeArmond and Princess Donna being bored on a couch. They discuss going home but before they can get up to leave, Lorelei Lee plops down between them and asks if she has missed the party. They respond the way any reasonable young women would, by throwing Lee down on the coffee table and tag-teaming her. This scene has some hot moments in it as well, but the noises that Lee makes (kinda like a goat) are so obnoxious to us that we had to mute it in order to enjoy the hot parts. The ghost of Rick James has nothing to do with this impromptu party sex, but walks in and sees it. And approves.

After the credits rolled, we watched the extras and I’m very glad that we did. There are interviews of every cast member and it is revieled that everyone but Rion and Young knew each other before shooting. I have a lot of respect for Houston for casting that way. It greatly reduced most of what I hate about porn which is its fakeness and it exploitative nature.

I was wrong about Superfreak. It falls into the good porn category instead of the so-bad-it-is-good category. Awkward camera angles aside, this was a great example of what porn could be. Granted it was silly and didn’t even try to have a real plot, but the sex was real and engaging and it was well lit and recorded. I look forward to seeing more of Houston’s work.

We were hoping to summon the ghost of Rick James.

Mimi

This is the first film of Shine Louise Houston’s that I’ve had the pleasure of watching. The DVD packaging looks very professional and sets the tone – freaky, funny, and hot. Reading “real people having real sex” in the synopsis led to a brief glimmer of lustful hope; however, I was still really skeptical about enjoying it because, well… Madison Young is on the cover and while I am a fan of her ass, I am not a fan of her work. Another porn with her as the leading star simply did not sound appealing.

Despite the film opening with a scene that had Madison masturbating, it is immediately clear that Houston’s films is different – colourful, stylish, good quality, good sound, wild, and intentionally funny. Intentionally is the key word there. Even the music that accompanies each scene fits in line with the humorous, casual atmosphere. It’s not over the top, but definitely lingering close enough to make you sweat.

The ghost of a funk singer inhabiting people and getting them to do “freaky” shit is a very simple plot, but it allows the viewer to know what he or she’s getting into from the beginning and provides a basis for the humor. And like any good film plot, it holds the scenes and characters together, making the scenes fluid and (I’m using this word loosely) believable. Who has sex in a crowded room? Young does if she’s got Rick James’ ghost inside her! She also, apparently, learns how to stop masturbating like she’s having a damn self-induced seizure and really gets down to business with her Hitachi Wand, rope, and glass dildo.

When Young gets to the party, Dylan Rion wastes no time to make her move, which Young intercepts with a bold (and wicked cheesy) pick-up line. They start kissing and fucking with a strap-on against a wall, which at some points was really hot on account of Young’s juicy ass being gripped by Rion’s hands. Rion’s animated playfulness is also really entertaining after the sex part of their scene is over and they’re kneeling behind a couch, recovering and acknowledging their actions. I still can’t stand the noises Young makes or her facial expressions, but it’s not enough to completely ruin the scene.

My favourite scene was the one with Shawn and Vasa because it was the most intense, energetic, fun, and those two are just flat out sexy. They both seemed completely comfortable and happy to be playing their respective parts. I love the inclusion of the water! Obviously, for practical reasons, some “cleaning” was necessary since Vasa just took a piss in the kitchen sink, but watching Shawn spit water onto Vasa’s pussy and then Vasa’s surprised/excited facial reaction was enough to make my hips stir and sexual appetite grow. (Note to self: We need a kitchen sink hose. Oh, and a bigger kitchen.) Nothing about their interaction feels fake, forced, or exaggerated. How fucking hot is that? When Vasa wiped some of Shawn’s nether juices on her face and in her mouth, I almost squealed. Seriously. This is one sexy scene.

In second place, regarding my favourite scenes, would be the one between newcomer real life couple Rozen and Guy Handful. The acting was about what you’d expect in porn (not very good), but their sex scene was much better than what you’d expect. (The second option is more important, if you ask me.) No obnoxious noises, no fake expressions, and Rozen has amazing, natural looking breasts. She appears to completely forget the cameras, bucking her hips hard and screaming.

The last scene was difficult for me to enjoy because I took such a disliking of the half-laughing, half-goat noises Lorelei Lee was making constantly. It would have been fine, really, but when I say constantly, I mean she stopped to inhale. We muted it so that I’d stop yelling at the television and startling the cats. I also took issue with there being ass to vag finger insertion because even though I know they stopped and cleaned/lubed up periodically, I think that porn should be held to a practical, safe standard. Like when Rion and Handful had condoms on their strap-ons – that made sense, that felt appropriate. However, if you’re not paying attention like I was at the time (hawk eyes!), then you probably wouldn’t even notice and, all of that said, it was still a hot “stone femme” on femme scene.

Having seen Bride of Sin already and knowing Young is a huge rope slut, it’s encouraging to know that Houston obviously let Young use the rope for her masturbation scene. Positive female sexuality? Houston’s not all talk. Frequently throughout this simple, fun film we are introduced to notions of gender identity, roles, and how people are challenging them everyday just by leading honest, authentic lives. You can see this fully articulated in the Behind Kink interview where a rather soft spoken, joking, encouraging Houston directs her crew and talks about challenging pre-determined roles, whether it’s directly related to porn or life itself. All of this is worthy of respect, if not titillation. Probably both.

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: 5 out of 5 stars

Level of Arousal: 4 out of 5 stars

Educational Value: N/A

Storyline: 3 out of 5 stars

Overall: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Getting Undressed is better when you tell everyone on the internet!