The Little Rooster

The Little Rooster provided for review by Gallus et Mulier Limited

Mimi

I can’t think of a better way to wake up than to have my clit stimulated, first gently and then more vigorously. The only way it could get better is if pancakes and coffee closely follow. My love of breakfast food aside, when Joseph told me about the Little Rooster, I was really excited at the prospect. It takes a lot for me to orgasm, so I didn’t expect to wake up to that particular sensation, but I still expected it to be better than waking up to cats meowing in my face or repetitive, loud beeps.

It arrived in a white box with GALLUS ET MULIER printed in black letters across it. “Cock and woman”, I believe. Overall the design is stylish in an austere way. There’s a black satin pouch (again, with “GALLUS ET MULIER” but with white text), a small manual, and a transparent sheet of paper that says (translated): “Every animal is sad after sex, except the human female and the rooster. – Claudius Galen (AD 129 – 217)”.

The Little Rooster itself has a hard, white plastic body with a small digital clock that also indicates how much battery power is left. The manual explains very clearly how to use it.

For a cordless vibrator, it can get surprisingly intense. When it started the first morning, I woke up comfortably, then waited for it to go through its whole cycle. I expected it to be done and was a bit startled when I felt it vibrate stronger rather than hear the beeping that indicated it was “done”. Applying a bit more pressure, of course, intensifies the sensation. To the extent that you may want to masturbate or have sex immediately.

I was also impressed with how well it stays in place during sleep, even for an active sleeper such as myself. It’s not terribly snug, but unless you sleep completely nude, you should be fine. One night the button that’s supposed to be in the middle during sleep slid out of position so that it didn’t go on in the morning according to the timer. Every other night is has worked fine.

Cleaning the Little Rooster is easy because aside from the texture of the seams, it is completely smooth plastic. Plus, it’s not meant to go inside you, so there’s not really an excess of bodily fluids to be concerned about. Since it’s rechargeable and the charging socket is smartly located at the flat end which rests on your pubic bone, there’s no battery compartments to worry about either.

If I were to recommend a sex toy to a friend, this wouldn’t be in the top five, especially if they don’t already own any other sex toys. However, I do appreciate it as an extra luxury, as a means of waking up without personal offence while also encouraging a… stimulating morning.

 

Joseph

This product appealed to me for a couple of reasons. I like innovation and I have never seen anything like The Little Rooster before so I was excited to see how this cool idea would translate into reality. Secondly the thought of having my wife wake up horny every day was pretty appealing–well ok, maybe that was my primary motivation. Being sexed awake seems like a MUCH better method than the alarm clock.

When it arrived I was rather impressed with both the packaging and the minimalistic design of the product itself. Sleek and slender, it looks fairly elegant if you can stop your brain from comparing it to a tiny spatula. The two round buttons to either side of the display are unlabelled and unobtrusive and (with the help of the instruction booklet) control the time, the alarm, and the intensity of the device. Speaking of the controls, while using the Little Rooster is fairly intuitive, if you lose the instructions, it may take awhile to remember how to do everything.

Mimi wrote about the user experience and, since I didn’t use it and it was not designed for me and my balls, I’ll leave that alone. I will note that what happens most often when she uses it is that she will half-sleep through all of the vibrations and then turn the buzzer off and go back to real sleep. This product has not induced the morning ravages that I was hoping for but that may just be due to how sleep deprived we have been lately.

Even though it failed to turn Mimi into the sex-crazy zombie that I’d hoped it would, The Little Rooster is a great product. It was an awesome idea and it was realized awesomely. One thing that I think is really appealing about it is that it is very accessible. Because of its design and ease of use, I could see many women who are normally stand offish about sex toys because they are intimidated or disgusted being completely open to a product like this. I imagine ladies in pointlessly large hats discussing the merits of their Little Rooster over tea.

There is also the possibility of using it for sexy fun times out on the town. Because it lays flat against a woman’s pubic bone it does not make a noticeable bulge in clothing. So long as you are not wearing a skin tight dress or yoga pants (which you should not do in public) no one will be the wiser. So you (or your date) can set the alarm to go off at any chosen time in the evening and viola! — the boring lecture you have to go to is more stimulating, the fancy dinner you and and your date have planned is more exciting, or lull in your workday afternoon is conquered. Just be sure to switch if off before you panties start beeping!

My business idea: The Big Rooster

 

The Naked Truth
Aesthetics: ★★★★½
Intensity: ★★★★☆
Volume: ★★★★★
Ease of Cleaning: ★★★★★
Functionality: ★★★★★
Overall: ★★★★★

Heartland: A Woman’s POV

Heartland: A woman’s POV provided for review by Good Releasing

Mimi

Heartland: A Woman’s POV is a lot like it sounds — it takes place in the midwest, there are women in it who are framed by a camera operated by a woman, and occasionally some scenes with Madison Young talking about airplanes making her hot or porn conferences or coyotes or whatever.

The beginning doesn’t start out very strong. Madison sounds like she’s high, looks like she’s very sleepy, and offers her viewers a gratuitous nipple because… why not? I would have preferred for her to dribble on slowly for 20 more minutes than show me a blurry ass close-up of her nipple. It’s like she got self-conscious and flipped on a default response. “EVERYONE LIKES TITS”. Ugh.

All of the couples are introduced via text, documentary-style, with a bit of information about them. The first couple, Nicole and Peter are a real couple in Chicago that met at a sex toy store. This was their first experience being filmed during sex. I enjoyed this couple perhaps the most because of the obvious connection and pleasure they experience in each other. They were also the least overtly performative, I felt. The second couple, Cherry and Alea, met at a kink conference and were having sex together for the first time on Heartland. The third couple, Rita Seagraves and Red Hot Megan, are regular play partners but have never been filmed. Rita Seagraves is a sex educator. Last but not least, Madison Young has sex with Billie Sweet, a former RA in the dorm Madison lived in during her college years and subject of girl crushdom.

There’s also more small scenes that involve Madison updating the viewer on her whereabouts, including a masturbation scene on a plane that more closely resembles a first year undergrad art film than porn, as well as Madison getting tattooed by a fan and “hiking” with her family. These scenes appear to function as glue for the sex scenes, similar to how a thin plot would in most porn, while also providing some insight into Madison’s personality. They struck me as being fairly pointless unless you’re a hardcore Madison Young fan.

Aside from these really self-indulgent scenes, my main complaint about Heartland is Madison Young’s style of filming, which is apparently centered around poor quality. I understand that the free hand, one shot style of filming means there’s going to be some less visually interesting moments, but there are some moments when it takes Madison (or whoever is filming) several seconds to actually put the damn camera on the people fucking. It’s like she forgot she was filming or something. There are other scenes where the camera is bouncing so much it feels like you’re inside a hamster ball. Not appealing.

I just wish she would care a little bit more about the quality of the films she produces. Just because it’s porn doesn’t mean it should exist without standards.

This isn't the kind of wood I wanted to see. Buh-dum Ching!

Favourite couple:
Nicole and Peter

Nicole and Peter’s session starts off with finger sucking, kissing, slapping, and choking where you can see little other than Nicole’s pleasure and pain as it is expressed in her face. Where else Peter’s hands and mouth wander, that’s for the viewer to imagine. Occasionally Nicole makes eye contact with the camera, and her steady, unapologetic, fired-up-and-fucking-ready gaze is titillating in itself.

They move onto anal penetration, and I really appreciate that their communication wasn’t edited out, because women (well, everyone, actually) need to feel like they can say, “Can you use the smaller dildo first, then move onto the larger one?” This shit never happens in mainstream porn, and this is one of the few instances where I feel like Young’s “POV” piece actually nails it, because sometimes you’re just not ready for a giant dildo in your ass, but that doesn’t mean you’re not down to party. Nicole wasn’t worried about being a good “porn star” then, she was taking care of her own needs and fucking the way she fucks. Perfect.

The blow job scene (or strap-on sucking scene, whichever you prefer) is one of the better ones I have ever watched, mostly because both of them seem really into it and it’s very physical. I actually forget that Peter is wearing a strap-on and that Nicole is sucking and stroking a chunk of silicone. The fantasy becomes real for me in their moans, whimpers, heavy breathing, hair pulling, writhing, and occasional moments of delighted laughter.

Other Highlights:

- Moments where Young is clearly more interested in genuine facial expressions and the intimacy of an action than generic ass and titties shots.
- Beautiful women in lingerie (oh, and the Batman boxer briefs Peter wears)
- When Cherry stuffs Alea’s panties into her mouth, and later watching Alea’s pierced nipples bouncing back and forth while Cherry holds a Hitachi Magic Wand (with a condom on it, might I add) and her high heeled foot onto Alea’s clitorous.
- When Cherry is visibly overwhelmed in every way during and post-orgasm, cheeks flushed, with a somewhat dazed expression on her face when she embraces Alea. I know that feeling. I like seeing it in other people.
- Megan’s fantastic curls and naughty girlish-ness
- Nice angle when Megan is performing oral sex on Rita so you can see what Megan is doing while also seeing Rita’s face
- When Madison and Billie were makin’ out: awesome sauce
- When Billie was worried about coming “too much” while Madison fingers her, followed by Madison laughing and encouraging her, saying something like “you can’t come too much”, was pretty endearing and sexy

Joseph

I wanted Heartland to be good. In between when we reviewed Bride of Sin and when we received this to review, I had seen that Madison Young had actually won a few awards for her work. As you may recall, I hated Bride of Sin. Fiercely. So I thought (hoped) that maybe Young had improved significantly or that Bride of Sin was a terrible fluke.

If only.

Heartland was another example of Madison Young’s complete lack of regard for any of the aspects of filmmaking that require even the smallest effort. She is obviously interested in kink and fucking and sexuality but only in terms of how it relates to her and enables her to have a good time. Heartland seems more like an excuse to fly across the country and get paid to watch people have sex than it does a serious endeavor. It is almost like the documentation and presentation quality are afterthoughts.

This porn is also known as "poorly framing shots 101."

I feel like I am being generous when assuming that the reason the quality of her films is so low is that she doesn’t care. If she really does care then it means that she is hopelessly incompetent.

I won’t go into horrible snarky detail about all of the things wrong because I feel like Mimi has covered that well and it would echo very closely what I said about Bride of Sin, but I will say that I have seen many, many self-made YouTube videos with more care and consideration taken in their production.

Her aforementioned accolades are the main issue that I have with her work. Tons of people make terrible porn all the time. That’s no big deal. But Young’s terrible porn is being congratulated. I have to believe that the reason for this is because Young is one of the few female pornographers making female-friendly work, particularly with an emphasis on bondage or rough sex. Giving Madison Young awards for the terrible, half-hearted shit that she is making actually hurts the progress made by amazing pornographic filmmakers like Shine Louise Houston, Courtney Trouble, and the unique, passionate porn stars they employ.

At the end of the credits there is a quote from Madison Young: “If I can’t fuck, it’s not my revolution.” This paraphrases Emma Goldman’s famous stance that feminism cannot be something that restricts the life-loving, fun-having, radiant aspects of women’s personalities. That if she had to be well behaved and straight-laced to be a feminist, she wanted no part of it.

I think that she made a worthwhile point when she said that because there is a real debate going on about feminist porn. Violet Blue address the issue very well here. The problem I see is that either Madison Young made a flippant statement about fucking that was well received (it was part of her acceptance speech for Hottest Kink Film at the feminist porn awards) or she really thinks that she is a front runner in the feminist movement. I’m inclined to think the latter because people keep giving her awards.

Stop it.

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: ★★½☆☆

Sound Quality: ★★★½☆

Creativity: ★★½☆☆

Overall: ★★★☆☆

My BFF

Doc Johnson’s My BFF provided for review by funlove

Joseph

This vibrator reminds me of a tentacle. An overweight one. Like maybe an octopus with low self esteem that compulsively overeats.

It is six inches long and knobby. It has a twist dial at the base that controls the strength of the vibration. Oh, and it is pink. Very pink.

Mimi

I feel bad when I have nothing good to say about a product, mostly because I anthropomorphize things, and I imagine that this shitty pink vibrator knows I have thoroughly rejected it. I imagine that it’s sad and wishes it had been “born” a Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s writing really bad poetry and listening to Taylor Swift. This just makes me like it less, but now I feel pity in addition to contempt. It’s an odd combination that eventually gets shrugged off and put into the “You’re an irrational weirdo, Mimi” folder of my brain.

So let’s make this quick and painless. I like that the vibrator is hard, that the vibration is pretty easy to control and that the vibration covers a wide area, but I hate the powder pink colour and that I cannot have an orgasm, even after patience that should merit 800 orgasms. If you can get off by rubbing your crotch on the arm of a couch and you really like pink, then this is probably a totally acceptable vibrator for you. As for me, it’s not worth it at all. I wouldn’t recommend it.

 

The Naked Truth
Aesthetics: ★☆☆☆☆
Intensity: ★★★☆☆
Volume: ★★☆☆☆
Ease of Cleaning: ★★★☆☆
Functionality: ★☆☆☆☆
Overall: ★★☆☆☆