We apologize for the low picture quality. Blame Mimi’s forgetfulness.

I don’t read Cosmopolitan, but my attention was brought to the February 2010 issue one insomniatic night by the internetz. The article’s title immediately sent up red flags in my brain: “Are you turning your man into a girlie man?”

The offensiveness begins immediately with the writer, Molly Triffin, painting a portrait of a “girlie man” and his girlfriend or wife who has turned him into a limp dicked shadow of a man. It’s apparently unheard of for a man to want to take an exercise class, to watch a show headed by women (my husband likes Gilmore Girls more than I do), and vegetarian fare. Despite the article being prefaced with how it’s good for gender roles to blur (to a point), it’s hard to believe that’s more than a disclaimer or afterthought so that people like me don’t get uppity.

“To some degree, this is a good thing – we obviously don’t want to revert back to 50′s sex stereotypes – but there’s a point where it goes to far…”

Oh really? It’s not so obvious to me. There are several examples within the article that reinforce archaic stereotypes, and very little acknowledgement of how we all cross gender “barriers” all the time. Even when strict gender roles were in place, femininity and masculinity are not solid things chained to one’s genitals. Any transgender or genderfluid person could tell you that much. (You know, if their existence was recognized in a positive, respectful way. Ever.) Or why didn’t the article mention what a great thing it is that a man can desire to take yoga classes and act on that desire because we’re not stuck in the Middle Ages?

I mean, why didn’t she just say it: “Are you turning your man into a FAG?”

The real issue of the article should have been is that it’s unhealthy to try and push anything on another human being. It’s unhealthy to spend every day all day with that person. It’s unhealthy to expect that person to make changes in his/her/their activities when you will not ever do the same. This was touched on toward the end of the article, so in a way, I agree with the advice. Try to be fair and remember that maintaining a sense of individuality will keep you both happy. It’s how Triffin stumbled into that area that I find appalling.

“Your pull to do girlie things with him stems from experiences with your female friends. ‘Women are intimate with their close friends; we share everything,’ says Joann Magdoff, PhD, a psychotherapist in New York.”

This strikes me as being extraordinarily simplistic. Does Cosmo think their readers are dumb? Can women not be intimate with men as friends, lovers, or in a marriage? Wow, I think I’m having a truly novel idea here, but… and bear with me… what if women could be intimate with other women and men, but in different ways? Crazy, I know. It’s just that, you know, I’m really intimate with my husband and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with his dick. Or very little, anyway.

“Sure, some guys appreciate going shopping with a girlfriend who will help him pick out nice clothes and legitimately enjoy listening to your Cat Power album in the car. But that’s not the case for many men.”

Again with the examples. A paragraph or so ago it was cafe vs. burger joint, now it’s good music vs. Tarzan music and shopping vs… gorilla wrestling? At least now I’ll know all the ways to correctly “emasculate” my man so that I can turn him gay. And you know that stereotype about gay men being super hot and stylish and it’s just so not fair for us ladies? I’m counting on it. Huzzah!

Glib snarkiness aside, the smartest thing I read in the whole damn article was “It may sound counterintuitive, but having a strong sense of individuality will actually make you closer as a couple…” because it was not offensive, not oversimplified garbage, and not completely missing the point. Excellent advice right there. That will actually help someone. Too bad they had to swim through all of that other archaic gender stereotype bullshit just to get to the goods.

My favorite part of the article was the aside “Manly Date Ideas” and “10 Things We Hope You Never See Him Do” (looks like you still need to keep it in the closet, boys). Mainly, it’s just completely ridiculous. It was probably supposed to be, to some degree. I sense an attempt at humor here. However, it reaches and crosses the good ridiculous border into the bad ridiculous area. The kind that makes you think, “Oh no she di’n't.”

Manly Date Ideas:
- Pizza Taste-Off
(‘Cause women don’t normally eat pizza? Or have a sense of adventure? I’m confused.)
- Go Dog Shopping
(Yeah, like, women are cats and guys are dogs. Ha. Haha. Duh.)
- Play hooky
(Again… I didn’t know you needed a dick or dick influence to do this…)
- Take a Snowboarding Lesson
(This also included the suggestion of drinking “spiked cocoa”. Apparently, alcohol makes anything manly.)
- Have Him Teach You How to Play His Favorite Video Game
(What if he doesn’t really play video games?)
- Cook a Steak Dinner Together
(Steak is one of my favourite meals. Does that make me a dyke? Oh!! My love of steak explains so much!)
- Something about going to a semipro football game or whatever
(Again, what if he doesn’t like watching sports? What’s that you say, Cosmo? We’re both gay?)
- Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day
(“at a funky dive bar” with pinball, pool tables, and darts. We both enjoy that, regardless of the sexuality of those activities, so I guess we’re made for each other.)

10 Things We Hope You Should Never See Him Do

(When I read this title, I imagined a 17 year old homophobic boy shouting, “‘Cause it makes him gay!”)

I won’t go through the whole list because it’s redundant and a waste of my time. In summary, it’s apparently wrong for men to take care of themselves and sing along to Lady Gaga. I do have to agree about the Snuggie, but only because no one should wear a Snuggie in earnest. It doesn’t make your sexuality come into question, it just makes you look inbred.

I’ll end this by saying that it’s important to keep in mind who Cosmo’s audience is and that I obviously am not part of that demographic. I haven’t willfully picked up a Cosmo magazine since I was 15 except to mock it while restraining the need to vomit. You want to know why I’m so disgusted? It’s not because I hate make-up, clothes, or shoes. None of that is true. I love clothes. Shoes are an addiction that I wish I could fuel more. It’s about the fact that this magazine reaches thousands of woman – and young girls – who are being fed the same stereotypes for both genders that people have been swallowing for a very long time. It’s not feminism and it’s not fair.

Men are regularly portrayed on television sitcoms, commercials, in magazines, and in movies as being dumb, barbaric, crude, oafish, simple-minded, poorly dressed, poorly groomed, and practically helpless without their female counterparts. You know those commercials about the men not being able to feed themselves without the aid of fast food? Then you know what I’m talking about. This article reiterates the same ideas. As if men could not be men and still care about their hygiene or their appearance. Men could not be men and still worry about their weight. Men could not be men without grunting, fighting, watching a fight, fucking, or drinking.

There is certainly the element of those characteristics in many men, but they also exist in women. Except when I do it, I get to be a “bad girl” or a “bitch” or a “slut”. The real difference is that my identified gender is not shaken off. When a man’s manlihood is threatened by labels used in a hostile way – such as gay, queer, fag – because he has behaved in a so-called feminine way, he is wholly denied as a person. He is marked as an “other”. It’s shameful to reiterate that a man is supposed to behave a certain way and that if he doesn’t (all the time!), it’s a woman’s fault or he’s not masculine and therefore undesirable. What does it mean to be masculine? What does it mean to be feminine? And how is that related or not related to our genitals? At what point do we accept where we all overlap?

I’d like to get to that point. I doubt Cosmo will usher it in, but then maybe it’ll surprise us. Maybe it’ll truly be a magazine for “fun, fearless women” – and men who don’t get the shaft.

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